Things the book will not tell you.

The book “What to Expect when you’re Expecting” has sold 14.5 million copies by 2008.  At $10 each, the author, Heidi Murkoff, has made a boatload of money (not to mention movie rights).

But she has not told you everything, and, despite the laudatory remarks by your doctor that you must buy and read this entire book and do exactly what it says, the book has omitted perhaps the most important aspects of becoming a parent.

So, after surveying seasoned parents, here is a compilation of the most important things you really do need to know about being a new parent.

1.  DO IT NOW!   There is something that you and your spouse do that you take for granted.  You do it on a regular basis, and it bonds you together more than you realize.  You may be going to a movie, or a concert, or hanging at the bar with friends.  You may plan these excursions, or you may do them on the spur of the moment.

It does not matter what you like to do, or how you like to do it.  All that matters is DO IT NOW.  Because, 1 minute after the baby gets spanked, you will not be doing it again.  At least, not without military-like advance planning for a babysitter, at $15/hour for a 2 hour period, planned on the Tuesday night when she is available, provided you are home by 9, etc.  Not to mention that you’ll be too tired to enjoy it anyway.

2.  TELL YOUR HUSBAND TO GET A MEAL. THE BABY WILL WAIT!   Having a baby is a long process.  You will not want to eat; your husband will be famished.  If he is content to nibble on a jalapeno bagel in the middle of the night with coffee brewed in the Truman Administration, then that is his problem.

Your problem is that he will be complaining about this endlessly (unless he faints from starvation).  So, have him eat a 4-course steak dinner, or at least a Triscuit, before you go to the hospital.  It is his “last meal”.

3. SKIP LAMAZE – THE NURSE KNOWS WHAT TO DO.  If you’re reading this now, it’s probably too late.  Lamaze classes walk you through the entire delivery process (and we don’t mean pizza- see #2 above).  The teachers and other students absolutely love to share their most intimate details as if the class will provide them with an MD.  Heck, you’ll think you can deliver the baby yourself.

Now the truth – this is to make you feel like you are in control. It is a lie.  The nurse is in control. She will tell you where to stand, what to say, what to do.  She does NOT need to tell you to breathe – you already know how to do that for Christ sakes.

4. NEVER, BUT NEVER, F@#! WITH THE SLEEPING BABY.   A sleeping baby is a happy baby.  A waking baby is a crying baby, needing to have diapers changed, feeding (at 3am only), to be burped (on your best shirt).  Name one – just one! – of those activities that sounds like it is a ‘happy’ event for either you or your child.   So, why on God’s earth would you EVER want to wake a perfectly happy sleeping child?

5. FOR GRANDMA, IT’S PAYBACK TIME.   Everyone’s mother says she wants to help out with the baby.  Do not believe this.  She wants to hold the happy baby (when it’s sleeping), and have dozens of pictures taken to send to all her friends. Grandma is participating in an age-old tradition of ruthless competition for one-upsmanship with all the other grandmothers she knows as to who the cutest grandchild; it has nothing to do with you or your actual child.

But, the minute a baby is unhappy for whatever reason (see list in #4 above), she will turn and hand the child back to the nearest parent that is in the room.  This is because she remembers when you kept her up night after night after night, and it’s time for her to get even.  If you look closely, you may even spot an evil smirk as she passes your child back to you.

6. CHOOSE YOUR FRIENDS WELL. What you do need is a good, childless female friend who wants to be a ‘substitute mom’. We are not talking about a “Sex in the City” girl who wants nothing to do with babies or the husbands that go along with them (both of whom are needy and enjoy burping). We are talking about your wannabe mom, the type who is trying to entrap her unsuspecting boyfriend into a marriage proposal.

She is golden. This is a friend who will care for the baby as you would, maybe better because she will have gotten a good night’s rest. By the time you have gotten back from your big date at Target (no, you still do not get to enjoy time off – see # 1 above) your baby will be fed, washed, clothed and possibly even college educated.

7. THE APPLE DOES NOT FALL FAR FROM THE TREE.  Remember all those rules that your parent’s enforced on you, like some crazed despot?  Well, just wait until you catch yourself saying “because I said so” to your small child. You had the silly notion that you were going to do things completely different than your parents.  Get ready – you now ARE your parents.

THE LAST PIECE OF ADVICE:  ENJOY IT WHILE IT LASTS.   You will be sleep-deprived. You will not get to eat adult meals in nice restaurants. You will no longer show modesty in checking for “poopy diapers” in public places. Going to a ‘club’ now involves soccer practice and juice boxes (which you will drink). You will no longer have your own name – you will be “Johnny’s Mom”.

Your friends (and you) will change. And you really won’t miss it much.  A kid is a fascinating blessing, and by the time you blink it will be gone.  So, best advice – DON’T BLINK. Enjoy each and every moment, good and bad, with the one person who counts on you for absolutely everything.