With the help of the Human Crutch, I have decoded the secret underside of SHIELD.

However, what we realized in our discovery is that, hidden in plain sight, is a conspiracy of epic proportions. Much like the Zapruder Film, we have discovered the Magic Bullet of Marvel.

We will use this to expose the secret of Hulk’s Magic Pants.

To unmask this feat of couture, we must reconstruct the sequence as it appears in the Avengers (and no, we didn’t actually re-run the film – that would be way too scientific, which would therefore work counter to the tried and true proven methods of conspiracy theorists).

So, we start when the Avengers and Hulk are all hanging around the flying battleship, engaging in witty repartee in the lounge. You will note that Dr. Bruce Banner is fully dressed. Here’s what happens next:

1. We are in the lounge (Banner is wearing clothes, including pants)
2. The ship is attacked (Banner still wearing pants)
3. He becomes the Hulk (and still has pants)
4. They run around destroying the ship for no apparent purpose (still has pants)
5. Hulk is ejected from the ship (still wearing pants)
6. Hulk falls to earth at high velocity (pants intact)
7. Hulk crashes through building (still wearing pants)
8. Unconscious Banner wakes up, with no pants (or underwear)
9. Harry Dean Stanton provides him pants (but no boxers)
10. Banner shows up in New York, becomes the Hulk again, and still wears Harry Dean Stanton’s pants. At this point, he is “going commando” on the aliens, which might explain why he’s so darn grumpy.

When we first realized this, the only reaction the Crutch and I had was simple: this cannot happen.

With close study, one realizes that, like the Zapruder Film clearly shows, the Marvel Avengers were behind the grassy knoll (wait, wrong turn here… Let’s reverse course). No, it shows that Hulk has Magic Pants.

Please consider these facts as they appear in the film.

In sequence #3, where he “becomes” the Hulk (still played by Lou Ferrigno, as far as I can tell):

• Hulk grows both in height and girth (but not in mirth – he is always grumpy)
• So when he transforms, his pants grow not only vertically but laterally.
• Exactly why is it that his pants stretch, but not his shirt, jacket, shoes or anything else?
• Can we presume that his boxers are not brief, or would they truly be tighty whities? That would certainly explain his anger issues, in my opinion.

Next, we will skip ahead to the last sequence: Banner rides up on a motorcycle (sans helmet, flaunting the law) and becomes Hulk again. And, lo and behold, ends up in the same stretch pants and lack of other clothing as he had just done a few scenes ago.

This can mean only one of two things: either Harry Dean Stanton has anger management issues, OR he has surreptitiously provided Banner with another pair of magic pants. Or both , as we don’t really know what type of guy Harry Dean Stanton is, other than he does have a secret hero identity: “Repo Man.” Coincidence?

And none of this can explain why he failed to have pants when he transformed back into Banner. If these pants could stretch to Hulk proportions (which is where my waist size is going), and can take all the damage of running around planes, falling in the air, disintegrating a building and so forth, then where in the world did his pants go?

The Crutch was quick to point out that they could’ve disintegrated on impact. But at least then you would see some sort of fabric lying about. Nope, no pants anywhere in sight. So much for that theory.

But having nothing better to do at this time, I pose the following theory and ask you to disprove it:

• Hulk hits the building, and the camera pans away.
• As he shrinks into Banner, the pants fall off his ankles.
• They stop, in mid-air, do a 90-degree right turn.
• These then proceed through the roof of the building.
• They stop (again), make a left turn, and fly off to where Harry Dean Stanton is hanging out.

Now, it may occur to you – well, how is it that Harry Dean Stanton had time to go to the Big, Bulky, and Stretchy department of J.C. Penney’s to get these wonderful pants.

The answer is – he did not. The Alterator did. For those that do not remember, the Alterator is the middle-management fashionista who makes sure that all of the Supers are perfectly coiffed before ever showing up in time to destroy New York (again). We believe that she appeared, gave Harry the Pants, and secretly left before he awoke, as she had a 3 pm to give Thor a Brazilian blowout.

As for me, I’m thinking what we really needed is this: leather pants.