As many of you know, I’ve participated in a family Nutcracker for many, many, many years.  Despite the fact that this has led me to a life of crime (an entirely different story), I assure you that I am a good person.

Collin, I’m not so sure about you.

We need some background here.  If you are to be a Party Parent, you get to a certain level of, how shall I say this, incestuous behavior. You only thought the ballet was pure and simple; the seamy underside is always there.  I have been married about 5 times, and have somewhere around 15 children, and none of them are mine.

You can think of all of this as a very complex and difficult circle.  Back in around 1993, one of my first jokes (that life of crime thing seems to have started here) was about Bill Wyman of the Rolling Stones.  He was marrying a very young girl, and her mother was marrying his son.  This was a “circular marriage” – his mother-in-law was his daughter-in-law for example.

My dear friend Collin has turned that circle into an entirely new Gordian Knot of heck.  I shall explain this by way of story.  I will NOT turn this into an interpretive dance.

I wake up on Sunday morning, with sugar plums dancing in my head (among other things; I should not have had that second Margarita). Let’s see…Time for my morning checkup:  My knees hurt a bit (check); sore shoulder (sure, why not);  Can’t touch my toes (nothing new there). This is all part of the AARP Age (15 and above) so I’m Good to Go.

We show up in the afternoon at the designated time, and meet up with our former Nutcracker Party Parents Rick and Virginia. We’ve been doing this for about 14 years, and they were for about 10. We settled down in our seats, read the program (what, no party parents? And exactly who are these kids?)  Well, at least Mike is Mr. Stahlbaum. We know him.

The lights dim, the music starts, we know all the queues.  And then…. No Mike.

In his place, Collin. At this point the little squirrel in my head is running around trying to understand – why is Collin there. That lasts about 2 seconds because his wife Mrs. Stahlbaum is Maddy, his actual living and breathing daughter.

This is SO NOT RIGHT…..  Bill Wyman would be so jealous right about now.

Put this in perspective.  Collin’s Wife is his Daughter.  Which means that his children are his grandchildren.  Or his niece and nephew?  Second cousin twice removed?  Heck, I have no idea how to figure this out.

So, I look back at my files (really, I have a file of everyone who participated in the first 20 years and no, I was not snooping).

• The company’s first Nutcracker was in 1997. Maddy was in it. I believe she was about 8 years old. 
• Collin’s first was in 1998.  He performed from 1998-2009, only missing 2006.  This was no coincidence; that was my first year as a ‘substitute husband’ for Renah, who’s actual and imaginary husband had to miss a performance. Still, Collin could see the writing on the wall.
• So, Collin was in the production about 12 years, including this one.  It stands to reason that somewhere along the way, one of his real kids was one of the party children. Whether or not they were his children we do not know.

In any case, his real kids may have been his imaginary kids, and one of his real grown up kids is not his imaginary wife.

This…..   Is….  So………… Very Very Very Very…….. WRONG!

Collin….    We gotta talk. 

Preferably over a beer with the other dads.  I consider that an intervention. I mean, Rick, well his wife was his real wife.  Same with Brian. And the other Mike had his wife, but we all admit his proclivity for purple bloomers while ‘dancing’ in the snow was a bit disturbing. I’ll even admit that I was married to Jeff’s wife Jen for a few years, but we left each other amicably.

Collin did all of this, and his significant other Neva watched and she approved of it all!  This is so very wrong on so many levels.

But my point is this – None of us married our daughters. That simply takes it to a whole new level.

I swear to you that everything above is absolutely true. When I show this to the party dads I expect quite a reception (which had better include beer).  We all performed in the program for a bunch of years together, we are all friends to this day (tomorrow I’m not so sure about – Collin may disown me).

Our kids are grown up and mostly functional adults.  Unlike us.  This is where the story gets sentimental.

Maddy now lives in Colorado.  I’ve known her since she was 16 and danced her first time as the Sugar Plum Fairy with braces on her teeth. My little girl (who will ALWAYS be my little girl) was a 6 year old lamb at the time. We went to every performance. Every. Single. One.

I was actually tearing up at the end of those shows with pride. I could not believe my kid was in a production of all kids and that it was so amazing. Maddy – if you read this, know that this is to some extent how I remember you. It is a good thing (and you were never my wife or child, so I can say this and get away with it).

She flew all the way out here, her dad and she performed together (which is fantastic in its own right) and the production went on as right as snow.  That is a special thing in and of itself and I’m glad for them both. I will bet a beer that all the guys would say the same (yay – free beer for me!)

I can tell you the next day, I woke up and – Knees, check; shoulder check; hands – wait that’s a new one.  Guess I clapped too hard.

That’s the way it has been for 25 years. This little tiny kid company has done this production for a long time.  The kids are grown and are successful in their own right. The parents became friends, and stayed that way.  That’s what is supposed to happen, and it did.

On my desk is a framed letter of sorts. On the last performance of my last day of my last year, the kids heard that it was my last time. They ran off to their dressing room, signed it, folded it into an envelope and after the show a couple of mice ran up to me and put it in my hand. I didn’t read it until that night when I got home, still in my tux. It is one of my prized possessions. I am looking at it now, as I write this out.

I’m glad that my hands hurt, just a little bit.  Congratulations Collin.

Happy 25^th birthday to the Ballet Etudes Nutcracker! Some things do get better with time.