It is once again Awards Season (we know because they’re still giving acceptance speeches thanking their second cousin twice removed for that time, you know, when he or she said something encouraging like “go for it”, which gave them the fortitude to become famous and wealthy). 

We love awards season.  We love to watch it with our finger on the fast forward key.  We love to see British Actors win, which gave my Marvel-ous daughter and I a theory.

At any given time, there are precisely 12 actors working in the United States who are British.  No More, No Less.  And we use the word precisely because it is British; if I were writing and American piece I would have used exactly.  That’s how well researched this article is!

Now, you never hear about famous French actors, or Canadian Actors (secret – they’re all American; we have actors, they have hockey), and so forth. For example, I recently watched a movie called the “Hundred Foot Journey” which stars a Michelin Starred Restaurant (you get the star by offering donuts with your tires, at least here in the “States” on “Yelp”), and precisely (again, how very British) no French Actors in the starring roles. Nope, it took a British Dame to play the owner of the Starchy French Upper-Crust restaurant.

Why, you might wonder?  Well, old chum, it is because the British Actors have figured out that they fit in certain “niches”, which are as follows:

1. Benedict Cumberbatch
2. Shaggy haired wizard professors
3. Bald actors playing other professors
4. Benedict Cumberbatch
5. Dames who all want to be Queen.
6. Gollum
7. Benedict Cumberbatch
8. James Bond
9. Older guys playing butlers
10. Doctor Who
11. Benedict Cumberbatch

Now what you need to understand is that (despite there only being 11 categories), there are only 12 working actors at any one time. I’m sure that someone reading this will try to count the 12 actors, but that is impossible without me first removing my shoes. What actually happens is that one British Actor must bump another off the list in order to be working. 

Please understand that I do not insinuate the act of murder, although that would lend a certain excitement to the Oscars.  “I would like to thank my wife for knocking off Michael Caine so that I could win his award…..”

No, what we mean is that any given British Actor will have to replace another British Actor on the list somewhere.  The ousted Actor must do something like eat fish and chips with the Queen while he waits his turn to get back onto the list.

Still, your all simply dying (get it?) to get an explanation of who (or is it whom in British) is on or off the list.  So…. “Off you Go”, as they say before they hunt foxes.

Benedict Cumberbatch – yes, indeed (again, this is British humor today), he appears several times on the list (not to mention that the list stops at 11). You’re probably thinking that this is some sort of cheat on my part, to not have to count to 12 (no, just lazy – my shoes are still on).  But you’re wrong. 

You see, Mr. Cumberbatch (who wears a cummerbund on a regular basis – I can’t help myself with that one), is a marvelous actor. He is so good that he is up for an Oscar this year for playing Alan Turing in the Imitation Game. In it, he does not actually imitate anyone (which really upset me, as I was hoping for Bill Clinton).  Rather, he plays the role of a lifetime – a brilliantly calculating fellow with no social morals. 

But what you need to understand is that he is a far more insidious man than anyone in Hollywood understands.  Secretly, and without permission, he is trying to be all 12 of the working British Actors at the same time.   Do you think there is a reason why he became famous as Sherlock Holmes, solving murders of other British Working Actors with his faithful sidekick Bilbo Baggins? (oops, British Working Actor Mix-up – see what I mean?).  We will have to prove the point.

On to #2 – Shaggy Haired Wizard Professors.   Yep, Ian McKellan has this role absolutely nailed. Is he Dumbledore or Gandalf?  Can you tell the Difference?  Do you actually know that he replaced Michael Gambon on the list of Working British Actors as Dumbledore, when, under mysterious circumstances, Mr. Gambon died?  Or did he???

So that brings us to Patrick Stewart, #3 on our list.  He became famous for running around the universe in his spandex pajamas as Captain Jean Luc Picard, and then achieved more fame as a Marvel Professor who sounded a lot like Captain Jean Luc Picard but instead wore suits.  But he can’t be Dumbledore or Gandalf because he HAS NO HAIR!  So, he simply has to run around pretending to be French while drinking Earl Grey Tea (“hot”) and yelling for #1 in a starchy British Accent that seems so French to us all.

As a side note – you never hear him call for #2.  Apparently, on board the Enterprise no one has to go #2.  Oh, for the love of God – Potter humor. And yes, Daniel Radcliffe is nowhere in sight – he has been replaced on the list.

And yet, when the dust settles, there is Benedict Cumberbatch.  Once we “retired” Patrick Stewart to a wheelchair, suddenly there is Benedict Cumberbatch on the bridge of the Enterprise.  He’s cold, he’s brilliantly calculating, he has no social morals, and, best part, he’s Indian. The lack of an Indian accent should have been a dead giveaway that he’s British. Of course Ricardo Montalban sounded oh-so-Indian with his Corinthian Leather back in the 1960’s and 1980’s; at least he had a spray tan.

And now we must give due to the Women of our group.  These are all the Dames – Dame Judi Dench, Dame Hellen Mirren, Dame Kate Winslet (at least pending to become a dame).  It is interesting that Ms. Dench goes by “Dame”, but Dame Mirren only goes by “Helen”. If that were not the case, then we would not be able to tell them apart.

Kate Winslet is special – she may not be a dame yet, but is hoping to replace one or the other of these two by starring in movies like “the Reader” where all she has to do is read a book (in German, of course). These qualify as “movies I will Never EVER see”.

But what all these women really want to do is play the Queen.  You see, this is the only way that they will beat Meryl Streep for an Oscar, as she is automatically nominated for any little inconsequential thing she does, like yawning.

So, we return to the Males on our list with Gollum.  Now, you may remind me that this is Andy Serkis, a working British Actor famed for being entirely made up of CGI (they have a medical cure for this now). 

Given that no one actually knows what he looks like, even his wife and kids (if they really ARE his wife and kids), he can be any of the 12 Working British Actors at any given time.

Except, of course for Benedict Cumberbatch.  Nope – once he shows up as Smaug, the cold, calculating Dragon who lacks any social morals (sound familiar?), and pretty much everyone forgot about Mr. Serkis.  I suspect that, behind some green screen somewhere, Smaug ate Gollum.

And then, at #8 on our list, is whomever (or whoever, this accent thing is killing me) is James Bond. These guys are a category unto themselves – one knocking off the other for over 50 years. It really doesn’t matter who’s playing Bond, after all – we’re just looking at the cars and girls.  Everyone remembers Ursula Andress (or, when I was eight, Arsula Undress) was a Bond Girl, but can you remember who was Bond?  I think not.

If Benedict Cumberbatch becomes the next Bond, I will simply retire (again!)….