They say the best thing about Southern California is the weather. That is not true; it is the weather reports on our local news.

I watch the weather reporters hard at work (that is to say usually bored stiff with no apparent weather to discuss) every morning at about 6:30. When I saw this weather graphic, I felt compelled to swing into action.

Being a caring father (meaning that I wanted to rub it in), the first thing I did was to send it off to my intrepid reporter daughter in Stamford Connecticut. The weather at 9:30 am there was 29 degrees with a wind chill of 21. If 33 is cold, then 21 is when you start drinking.

For your benefit, I will re-enact the weather report from this morning.  First, consider the graphic above.  It is only “Cool” when it is our average 37-degree weather, but “Cold” when it is all of 33 degrees.  Yes, there is only 4 degrees of separation between Cool (meaning you can wear a crop top and spandex) the artic refrigerator of hell where not even a parka will save you (meaning you also wear a warm-up jacket).  If there were 6 degrees of separation you would have to dress like Kevin Bacon. For all we know he is wearing a crop top and spandex. [OLD CODGER ALERT – I tried this joke this morning with the young clerk at my auto repair shop. Her exact response was “Kevin Who?”].

OK, so you’re saying, “Big deal, the graphic is silly.”  What you fail to understand are how the anchor people responded to such frigid news.  On ABC, Leslie and Rachel thought that the cold weather was a wonderful for the holiday season. John and Brianna suggested that they were over the cold after a whole 3 days of rainy, chilly weather.  Brianna went so far as to explain that for her, temperatures under 60 were too cold, and she is the weather reporter.

But the best thing about unusual 4-degree swing in the average temperature is that the local stations position some reporter out to experience it firsthand and give you a report such as “it is cold here”. That is a tremendous time-saver from sticking my head out the door and noting it for myself.

That poor soul was my pal Tina on CBS, who was standing on a street corner in Santa Clarita. Why?  Because there is a bank building behind her that shows the temperature and time.

Her first statement was (and I am not kidding here): “The Time on the clock may be wrong, but the Temperature is not. It’s freeeezzziinnnnggggg here.”   Apparently, having a Max Doppler 7000, a weather map and Brianna does not compare in its credibility to a bank tower that can’t tell time, much less the weather.

Of course, this elicits great concern for her safety from her anchors Marci and Chris.  To which we find out that Tina is sitting there with a space heater. I’m not sure how, but perhaps she’ll survive.

As for me, I grabbed my coat and bike and went for a ride (to be clear, I did not wear EITHER a crop top OR spandex. Sorry Kevin.). Needless to say, the bike path was empty. Only the hardiest of Southern Californians like myself will brave the wintery sand drifts on the beach bike path. [Bonus Christmas Challenge: Once you’re good and cold, and your tongue is numb, go into a very public place and try to say Beach Bike Path 10 times fast. Bee-By-Pa, Bee-By-Pa… Someone there will probably start a go-fund-me page to help you with your challenge. I made $10,000!]

Its beginning to look a lot like Christmas.