I’m quite sure that in the employees’ lounge of my local supermarket there is a grainy photo of me, taken by one of the security cameras, with the a large statement in bold type:

DO NOT TALK TO THIS MAN

It would be completely justified. Mind you, I’m still (as of today) allowed to shop there – They’ll take my money, but they won’t take my guff. [Sidenote:  What is guff anyway?  I’ve heard this cliché for about 1000 years, and still have no idea what it means. Is it like an non-fungible token that can be given away but has no value? That would sound pretty accurate, you have to admit.]

So, I’m patrolling the aisles looking for something, and I come across the manager (Steve) with a store employee (Willy).

I walk up to him and ask these 2 questions. I preface this with the statement that one is real and the other is not:

1. Where do you keep the grape jelly?  [Yes, this is the ONLY acceptable jelly to put on a PB&J. For all my cooking, I still eat these sandwiches.].  Answer: Aisle 15
2. I see that Aisle 5 has Flavored Tea.  Where do you keep the Unflavored Tea?

Steve and Willy look at each other. They are unsure how to respond. Finally Steve says “Well, it should be on the same aisle?”

OK, my turn:  “Thanks. That’s a relief.  I really don’t want any flavor in my tea. None. I want it to be just hot water.  Bland tea, that’s me…..”

The aura of recognition crosses their faces.  As I said, they’ll add this to the list in the employee’s lounge.

You’d think that this was it, but NNNNOOOOOoooooo……….

I go to the register, and the clerk (Sally) goes through the motions: As she’s scanning my stuff she says the line she’s been taught to ask:  “So, did you find everything OK?”

“Well, not quite.  I talked to Steve the Manager about this. You see, in Aisle 5 (I pointed at the sign) it says that they have Flavored Tea. But I’m looking for Unflavored Tea. Steve and I couldn’t find it.”

A look of sheer horror crossed her face. Someone answered the question “No”. We’re not supposed to say “No”. We’re supposed to say “yes” or “yyyesssss” (if we really want to say no but feel obliged not to cause trouble). No one ever says “No”.  Only a troublemaker says “No”. And I am that troublemaker. [Hey, you gotta have a goal in this life, I say.]

Sally is thinking to herself:  What am I supposed to do?  I’m checking out his stuff. Do I stop?  Do I get Steve? What do I tell this guy?

Yep, I continue:  “You see, I was a mathematician and we’re pretty bland. So, of course we would want our tea without any flavor. Just like Hot Water, which Steve recommended…..”

Sally nods, thinks Steve has done it, and finishes my checkout.  The rest of the line behind me is totally stupefied.

Let’s face it – I will NOT be employee of the month.