I love those insurance commercials where a pretend doctor “Rick” (not his real name) helps young homeowners from becoming their parents, as it that is somehow preventable. These are always based on horrible cliches, which means that I have done every single one of them.

Every.

Single.

One.

I remember one of the early ads where he is removing pillows from a couch that is absolutely covered in soft comfortable pillows.  But….  They never show what happens to all of these pillows. Like socks in the dryer, this is one of the great mysteries of life.

One way or the other, pillows are a problem.  They procreate, I’m sure of it. And they are indestructible. I’m absolutely, positively sure of it. It is the only possible explanation for why my home has so many of these curious cushions.

As I think back, it started innocuously enough.  I came home from school, got a cheap apartment and bought myself a bedroom set.  It’s a nice one – we use it to this day. I was 27 years old. So, in an act of adulting, I took my girlfriend (who for some reason had a lapse in judgement and married me anyway) to the store to buy matching sheets a comforter and (you guessed it) a pair of pillows. My Star Wars bedroom set with the Wookie pillow was about to be sent to a galaxy very very far away.

But what I didn’t realize is that the comforter set came with 2 “Shams”.  Yep, the My Pillow industry is in fact a secretive, seductive sham.  I had no idea what I was going to do. So, in addition to the 2 pillows for the bed, I now have 2 unused pillows in “Shams” covering my pillows.  The Slippery Slope to Stockpiling Shams had begun. I was supporting the pillow industry and didn’t even know it.

Which brings us to my next purchase, the comfy couch.  Up to now, when I crashed on the sofa (which was frequent for reasons I will leave to your imagination) all I had to do was put my head on the armrest, remote in my hand and beer on the floor.  That’s the way I shopped for it. I went into the store, lay out comfortably and asked the salesman for a beer. He brought a couple of lounging lagers, and we were set for the afternoon.  Try that on Amazon.

Well, you can imagine that once I purchased the sofa, I found out that my days of crashing on the cushions was over. You need decorative pillows on the armrests so that if someone comes in they have a “Pop” of “Pillow Color”.  Of course, what this means is that during a party where people have to crowd the couch now have nowhere to sit without having a ridiculous pillow jammed in their shams.

Then came the easy chair. I put the barc in Barcalounger, I can tell you that. It’s fine and quite comfy. How wrong I was. There is apparently nothing more complex than an easy chair. I should’ve known that I needed a pillow for back support that I never knew needed supporting. I STILL don’t know why I need the thing.

When we bought our house, we had to then buy living room furniture.  That we never used. We use the same sofa and Lazy Boy that we’ve always used to watch TV.  And when folks come over, we hang in the kitchen or the yard, never in the living room.  BUT…  we had to furnish the room in ‘nice’ furniture (and trust me I considered plastic slipcovers, which were always the sign of good furniture when I grew up). And that meant matching pillows on the sofa, chairs, and so forth.

Then there were the replacements.  Comforters wore out. Another sham. Sofas were replaced, meaning that new matching pillows were needed. That does not mean that the pillows were disposed – Goodwill doesn’t accept them and I’m pretty sure the county dump doesn’t either.

And now we have the HGTV crowd, violently karate-chopping cushions that they have on every piece of furniture along with casually tossed throw blankets (yes, we have those too). They convinced America that it was Un-American not to have seasonal pillows for the 4^th of July, leaves for the fall, and on and on. But…  they NEVER show you where to put them (and I do have a few suggestions for Chip and Jo and Ben and Erin and …..).

Here’s what’s scary – it’s not limited to inside anymore.  We have a nice yard, and I bought a sofa to sit out back and read books.  Yep- more pillows.  Of course, being outside these wear out faster, requiring another replacement. So, I move the old cushions to the front yard hoping that someone will steal them and give them a good home. They Are Still There.

Yep, a proliferation of procreating pillows was pervading the paradise of my home.

At last count I believe we have approximately 4,238 pillows stored in various nooks and crannies of our home. That’s 2,119 for each of us, now that our daughter left home (and bought herself new pillows – the pillow process starts anew). Given that I only require 1 pillow, that’s 2,118 more than I need.  Which means that these are sitting about 20 deep on every chair, bed, sofa, inside, outside,….. Well, you get the idea.

What does all this mean?  It means that “Doctor” Rick is being a real (you figure it out – this is still a family post).  He’s tossing cushions off the comfy couch, but the homeowner is pillow-pleading “where do I put them?”  He doesn’t care. He simply wants to go off and write a book exploiting the poor homeowner’s story to toss off a quick pillow-profit.  It is up to the grieving homeowner to figure out their sham storage situation.

Of course, as I cast my cushions, throw my pillows, expose these shams, I now live in fear. I have picked a pillow fight with the comfy cushion companies.  My Pillow is about to become My Pillow. Right now, they’re lying in wait, like a bunch of insurrectionists, ready to pounce me with pillows perniciously.

I think I’d better sit a spell and rest up. But Where? Yep – that’s the problem with pillows.