It has been 2 years.  Yep, 2 years since my wife tried to satisfy my inner Norm Abram by providing me with a free woodworking class. Finally, 2 YEARS LATER, I signed up.

Now, in order to successfully take a class (it’s still off a month, but I like to be prepared), it is important that you prepare.  We all know that the best way to prepare is either to bring a boy scout OR to ask questions. Since I am no boy-scout, I guess I’ll have to come up with some insightful questions. First, I’ll plane the surface and then I’ll drill down deeper to hone my skills. See, woodworking puns are at the ready – Bring on the class (or at least me, the class clown).

With that in hand, I walked into the store and found 3 woodworking guys boring into the electronics of a drill press I chose to ask my first question:  “How many woodworkers does it take to fix a drill?”  

Their answer:  “The same as it does to fix a freeway – One guy to do the work, one to supervise and one to just hang out.”  To think about this, we probably should call the freeway guys would-workers, as in “I wish they would work”.

Supervising all of them was a fellow behind the desk. We’ll call him “Norm”, because wood working is his norm. I could tell he was a woodworker because he had on “These, Safety Glasses”.  At any moment in time he could spring, cat-like, into a necessary wood preparation procedure with great alacrity.

Yep, I used an important SAT Word that my boss provided me the other day.  More importantly, Siri told me that I spelled it correctly.

Which is more than the store could say.  I took it upon myself to point out the misspellings that were rampant throughout the store.  You see, hanging from the ceiling are a variety of supposedly helpful signs, but what I learned was that they are all spelled wrong. 

Being the helpful guy that I am (I should be selling Hondas, yes?)  I proceeded to explain this in great detail to the fellow.

First, there was a sign that says Pneumatics.   OK, I understand that we want to be all innovative and stuff, but I explained that, since the store did not sell “Old Matics”, the sign should be spelled “New” Matics.

And so, I asked him what a “Matic” exactly was.  Norm was not sure (about my sanity and what a “matic” is).  But with my desire to “drill down deep” into the matter (heck I have 3 woodworkers to help with that) I asked about the Scheme-Matics for the project that I would be building in class. Again, always prepared.  (Side note – if I was in a sporting goods store, would I ask for Ski-Matics?)

Of course, you need to understand that this just got me started.   There are 2 signs on the opposite side of their aisle:  Woodboring and Woodburning.  Both of these need a space, according to Siri – as I type this out she is frantically telling me that I am stupid. She is right, of course, but not for this reason.

Therefore, I explained that they needed the “space” for these signs. To punctuate my point, I reverted back to spelling bee style (and why is that not spelling “B”?).  I provided the answer by using the words in the form of a descriptive sentence:  The wood is boring until the wood is burning. See, no spaces.  And I asked the drill guys why they’re not boring.

At this point, I imagine that Norm had a would-burning question to ask me:  From what planet do I come? But he politely did not, so I continued further.  I asked him why “The sign is spelled vises rather than vices.”  OK, fair reader, sound that one out and you’ll imagine the puzzled look in Norm’s eyes. Not even safety glasses were enough.

The last one that I can remember now (it’s been an hour or so since my visit and my sieve-like memory does not have a vise or vice-like grip on reality) is the sign behind me that said, simply, “Dust Collection”.   At this point, all I had to do was point. Norm hunched over, and realized that, in fact, I was going to ask him why they didn’t just clean the dust up. 

Poor Norm – I imagine he goes home to his wife, and his boys Tommy, Roger and Richard all look on him with great pity for the day he had.  I don’t blame them a bit; my wife can attest to that.

Really, he was a good sport. We laughed, made more fun of the boring guys. He asked me about the class that I wanted to sign up for, and we settled the bill.

The store is aptly called WoodCraft (and yes, they need a space as well). It’s full of fun toys, and nice guys. I’m excited to learn something new. Once I’m done with my project, though, they may change the sign to WoodCrapht. 

Norm Gets to Retire

Its three years later. I watched Norm Abram retire, with a very nice tribute.  Woodworking was his career. I expect he’ll do actuarial calculations in his retirement.

As for me, I retired, from actuarial work. I took up woodworking in my retirement. The class I took at Woodcraft got me started. I had a lot of fun that day, and went broke after.  First came the Kreg pocket hole jig, then table saw, woodworkers table (see I’m 25 steps into a 12 step program ), a router table, table saw and on this Saturday a band saw. I think I’ll have to go back to work to pay for it all (or as a millennial might say, “Yea… NO”).

What I’ve discovered along the way is that I’m not alone.  My friend Ed, retired like me, made an entire boat dock bench system.  My friend Craig showed me his workshop of which I’m completely envious, and a tiger-maple cabinet made from 1 piece of wood. Yep, both highly intelligent men (and much smarter than I will ever be, but that is certainly a very low bar), good friends and folks I can be envious of in my old age (which is, like, now).

Along the way I’ve made a few cabinets, a wood storage cart, a couple of tables, a “mudroom” for California and a few other assorted odds and ends (I’m the odd one in that arrangement; the ends do NOT justify the means here).

Best of all, thanks to my safety glasses I still have all 10 digits.

I’ve gone to visit Norm and the boys the Woodcraft store a bunch of times, bought a few odds and ends here (again, they think I’m odd, but in the end, they sell me stuff anyway).  Truthfully, I did appreciate the store and the staff.  I could go in, as any dumb question, and get a reasoned answer.  I appreciated their good nature. 

So, on Saturday I’ll go back.  Taking a band-saw class to see if I want to buy a bandsaw (which I’ve already bought?)  I grew up watching my grandfather cut his woodcarving blanks on a bandsaw in our garage, so this one’s sentimental. He’d be cutting the wood; I’d be drinking his beer. And he’d make amazing stuff from all of it.

However, like so many small stores that we all know, Woodcraft is closing this location. So, it is likely that this will be my last trip to the store (ok, maybe one more, but we’ll see).  When I heard, the guys in the store told me that they’re going to be all-right. None of them was making a career out of the store, which kinda makes sense.

What I most appreciate is that they’re not having a store-closing sale – they’re having a retirement sale. 

Guys – once you’ve retired from woodworking and started doing actuarial calculations feel free to come by and ask me for help. For now, I simply want to thank all the Norms I know.