On the same day that my wife and I visited Judson Studios (see Seeing the World Through Rose-Colored Glass), we also visited the Pasadena Showcase House of Design.

For those who are unfamiliar with the concept of a design house, a very expensive estate in Pasadena is overrun by something like 75 “Designers”. Each designer and their minions get a room (like you haven’t heard that one before) to “design”. Thus begins a brutal contest of one-upmanship to see who can fit the most “taste” into their room as measured in square inches. In the event of a tie, there is a mudwrestling match between the designers (note, back in 2020, Joanna Gaines pinned Big Ben in 10 seconds flat.)

How you know that these rooms are fashionable because the first thing that you see is a big clock (for reference, see That Shiplap Has Sailed).  In this case, you can actually purchase this clock for $40 at a tasteful home décor store and then move it from room to room to show how each room remains fashionable.

But I get ahead of myself (not sure how one actually gets ahead of him or herself, but apparently I have succeeded at this task.)

The house itself is the “Bauer Estate”.  It was built in 1928 for a guy named Harry Bauer, who was CEO of Edison, on a bunch of acres with no parking.  [As a sidenote, what happens if this guy doesn’t pay his electric bill? Can you imagine what would happen to the guy who turned off the power? And wouldn’t “Bauers Power” sound better than “Con Edison”, even though the latter sounds more truthful?]

We know that this must be an expensive estate because we peasants have to park about 25 miles away at the Santa Anita racetrack and then take a bus all the way to the event. This bus has to run through the slum that is San Marino California (per Siri, 12.5K residents with an average home price of $2.7M. I mean, really, can’t they fix up the place a bit? I know where they can get a designer or two.)

As another pointless sidenote, when I put “San Marino” into Siri, it came up with “Why is San Marino its own Country” (I guess it would have helped if I added CA, but AI Siri’s supposed to know everything I think now, so I guess it’s her fault).  That said, I’m pretty sure the 12,500 residents think they are their own country, which I contest. I mean, really, it’s not like it’s LarryLand or something, right?

In any case, we get off the bus to the great consternation of the local neighbors, check in and start wandering through the house. This is when I realize I’m way, waaay, waaaaayyyy out of place here.  The docent at the front door takes one look at me and says “Sir, you’ll be interested in the lounge where they have a bar with a TV.”  Really, she figures that I’m being dragged here by my wife and have no interest in designers. OK, she’s right, but that’s entirely beside the point. (As I write this, I’m sipping a beer in a Cheers beer-mug that sits on a 50-cent shark coaster. This is an obvious fashion statement about my taste in home décor.)

So, as you were asking, what are the trends in home design? Really, you’re asking “will he EVER get to the point? As always, the answer is No.

Trend #1 Everyone Needs Wallpaper:  Really, wallpaper was everywhere (I blame Ben and Erin – she’s been painting everything green and hanging all sorts of wallpaper lately. And he doesn’t say a darned thing, which I totally get.)

So, understand this:

• This wallpaper is not on the walls; it is inside a bookcase.
• There are many cats apparently hiding in this wallpaper.
• Their eyes are following you.
• Go ahead, just TRY to relax. I dare you…….

Trend #2: Dogs playing poker are out. Bunnies sipping cognac are in.

So, in addition to the bar, there is a second bar. (note to self – I think I need another beer). It’s supposed to be a sort-of smoking room lounge for the guy of the house.  BUT… there’s no TV, no Barcalounger, and a Bunny on the wall.

Trend #3: Designers don’t know the inside from the outside. We need to get them a map.

Consider these 2 pictures:

First consider the living room.  It has a beautiful 100-year-old coffered ceiling. And they painted the walls a really nice shade of blue.

Note, I said Paint, not Wallpaper. Oh, that will simply NOT do here. So, they take a rough wood lattice, like you would put for your rose bushes outside, and tacky it up around the entire room. I’ve heard of bringing the outdoors in, but that means you have to put the coffered ceiling out.

Which they did. They converted the porch outside into another bedroom, complete with a coffered ceiling with a painted garden scene. Then they installed an antique bed with expensive bedding for the cat to sleep on.  Actually, I think I get it – since you’re now afraid for your life because of the Pet Semetary staring out of the bookcase, you end up sleeping outside. So, in this case, Stephen King would feel right at home.

Trend #4: Men’s Closets are not just for clothes anymore

Apparently, a real man needs a closet the size of my entire bedroom. In this space, they’ll hang their 2 pair of jeans, 3 pair of chinos, about 10 shirts and a weeks’ worth of tighty-whiteys (no I was NOT referencing Congress; or was I??)

Trend #5 – You do NOT have enough refrigeration

I once said that “No man is an island. But there is Renovation Island, so obviously things have changed.”

Some useful facts to explain what you see

• Yes, they have a wall with a Bluestar Stove that I was drooling over. It was something like 8 feet long with about 10 burners and 2 very large ovens. Bread Day would be done in about 10 minutes with this thing.
• Yes, there are not 1 but 2 separate islands. And in each island are separate drink, wine and storage fridges.
• To the left (out of the picture) there is an entire bank of cabinets that span the entire room. On one end is a very large fridge and on the other end is another very large freezer. No, these cannot be put next to each other. The 25-step walk to put an ice cube into a can of soda is good for you (or, let’s face it, your personal chef.)
• If you look carefully at the left of the cabinet, you’ll see the door to an entire butler’s pantry (with an entirely different designer), that has its own full-sized designer fridge.

So, by my count you have something like 5 or so refrigerators. And the “basic” fridge is large enough so that you need a stepladder to get to the top shelf, over which you can hold a side of beef.

There is more refrigeration space than is needed by most commercial restaurants. The argument goes “what if I’m hosting an event?”  Well, silly, that’s what caterers are for.  No one is EVER going to cook in that kitchen. Your personal chef and kitchen staff do that in the butler’s pantry.

Rather, imagine your family of 4 sitting around the kitchen trying to have a meal.  The kid asks if he can get a glass of milk.  I see this exchange:

“Jeremy, the milk is in the fridge. No, not that fridge, the other fridge. No, not that fridge, the OTHER fridge. Oh hell, let’s just order Dominos.”

So, we traipsed around the house. I was looking for stuff to make fun of; my wife was admiring all of the “taste”. And to be clear, there were some rooms we really liked with some really good ideas, as in, “this is a good idea, but we can never afford it”.

Which lead me to my ultimate observation: What happens to the poor guy who buys this place?  I understand that everything that is not nailed down is removed by the designer in a large crime wave.

But that means that some couple is going to walk through the door and wonder – “who the hell put that lattice up on the walls?”. So, they’ll have to hire another decorator who comes in, tears out the lattice, scrapes off the wallpaper, evicts the cats, roasts the bunny and hangs up the dogs playing poker picture where it really belongs.

Or, in my case, the singing fish plaque (yes, we have that and yes, I’m proud of it). Home Sweet Home.