My daughter, the Human Crutch (she supports everything Marvel) has made Iron Man a part of our daily life.

But it seems to me that SHIELD is not really a reflection of reality. It is a very large organization with fleets, thousands of staff, and a budget that apparently exceeds the budget of New York. I say that because in every one of these movies, New York gets destroyed and then rebuilt, which must cost a LOT of money.

As we all know from our mundane lives, no large organization can succeed without a bloated and inefficient bureaucracy to move it along at the same pace as a small garden slug (which will be a future character I am sure — “Slug Man” with fists of fury, that sort of thing). Yep, we all know the ability of an organization to “get things done” depends on its middle management.

So, I enlisted the support of the Crutch, and after many months of debating, we present to you the real superheroes of Marvel. You never see them, and Marvel will do everything in their super-powers to hide them, but we all know that they are there waiting to serve us.

Father Time: Somehow, all of these “supers” must get to New York in order to fight the Bad Guys, and Father Time is their transportation chief.

Now you would think that given they are destroying New York (what, again?), they would simply relocate their offices to the city. But, what with the taxes and all, it is simply easier to transport them from wherever they are in the world to New York. This is the guy that gets it done.

Say that Aliens have invaded New York (really, again). All the Supers are hanging around with Super Slacker in the lounge of SHIELD headquarters, trading witty repartee with one another (you know, the first half of the movie). In bursts Father TIme with an urgent memo sent from Micro Manager:

“Quick, the aliens have invaded New York (again).”

“Meet downstairs in five minutes, and I mean NOW.”

“What do you mean Black Widow is still in the bathroom. Will you tell her to finish blow-drying Thor’s hair and get to the unit RIGHT NOW!”

Twenty minutes later, everyone is now in the “unit.” Given the need to “save expenses,” this is a 1987 Dodge Minivan, but at least it has a cassette and an old recording of Black Sabbath (what, you wondered why this is the theme song for the Supers?). Still, with the tolls and all, it is a long drive from Poughkeepsie into the city and someone has to “avenge the peace.”

“No, Hulk, we are NOT there yet.”

“Loki and Thor — stop that arguing right now or so help me, I’ll turn this unit around and no one will get to destroy New York (again).”

“Sorry Iron Man, you’ll just have to hold it in. Remember the last time — if you don’t, you will rust.”

Mother Nature: Of course, someone has to be responsible for the “feeding and care of the Supers,” and who better than their Mother. I mean thing about it — after they destroy New York (again) in the Avengers, did you really expect there to be an open shawarma restaurant in the city? Who do you really think made them a nice, well-balanced supper?

I mean, once they return from destroying New York (again), they actually get a bit beaten up. She’s there with the bandaids to kiss their “owees.” And you cannot imagine the fit that Hawkeye threw after she sprayed his cut with Bactine.

And Phil Coulson — I know that the marketing department of Marvel has stated that he was brought back from the dead in Tahiti, but what they really meant is that he was eating Mother’s chicken soup with some tahini.

Someone has to be tasted with tucking Captain America into bed. Heck, he’s been running around destroying New York (again) in his pajamas.

The Mechanic: We all know that the Minivan has to break down sometime. You see stuff broken all over their ships all the time. And somehow things are magically repaired just in time for the Supers to destroy New York (again). We’d all like to think that these are geniuses, but let’s face it, they’re guys and when something like the Minivan breaks down, they do what all guys do. They pull over the car, lift the hood, and stare at it meaningfully. Then they call their Mechanic’s Help Desk, who tells them that he is currently “on lunch.”

Let’s go back, shall we, to the aerial battle scene in the Avengers. It starts when Hawkeye shoots a single arrow and causes the entire ship to break down. Yes, the bad guys, with all their alien tech, have no apparent need for, say, a Stinger missile. Nope, they just hire the guy who can shoot down a buffalo.

So, what is our Super response to this? Iron Man goes flying in circles around the ship, over and over, as if that’ll fix anything. Captain America swings in his pajamas from deck to deck, shooting down bad guys armed with lasers by using only his good looks. Yes, that’s certainly believable.

Now, if they wanted you to know the truth, you’d see the Mechanic put away his lunch, duct tape the engine back together, kick the engine, and magically, the ship rights itself.

The Scrubber: Those flying ships are large, and they simply do not clean themselves. One thing you never see in any of these movies —a janitor’s cart. And I am pretty sure that we have never seen Loki with a plunger.

Just imagine the team meeting with this guy:

“Okay guys, listen up. First we want to know who left that Hulk in the bathroom. Banner?”

“Black Widow, we know that you’re trying to wash the blood off your hands for some past bad deed that you did in Budapest or whatever. The sign clearly says that all employees must wash their hands.”

Lastly, Mr. Fury and Loki — enough with all these ants and boots already. There’s too many of them for you to squish them all. We’ve called the exterminator, and he’ll be here next week. But thank you for trying.”

The Human Resource: So, you have the flying battleships that can be invisible with thousands of guys, spies all over the world in various headquarters, and what, you think Nick Fury does all their job performance evaluations?

Of course not. Someone has to find the new superheroes (and for the record, it seems that we’ve run out of humans for the role. Raccoons? Trees? ANTS? Nope, this is the job for the Human resource.

Wanted: One Large, Angry, Green Man. Must provide own pants.. We provide shirts. Smashing a bonus.

Inquire: SHIELD, Attn. the HR.

Just imagine the interview that goes with that Job Requisition:

“Why yes, Mr. ‘The Thing,’ I have your resume right here. You certainly seem qualified, but Mr. Fury was looking for something just a little more green. So what I’ll do is keep your resume file, as there is probably something fantastic that we can do someday.”

The Super Slacker: With his ability to be slacktastic, this is the guy that works to prevent anything from actually happening, like destroying New York (again).

This is the guy that is hanging around the cafeteria with a coffee stain on his lapel. He just got to work after hanging around in bars until at least 11 pm, and although he’s received the memo, there doesn’t seem to be much to do about it right now.

Memo to: Supers

From: Fury

Subject: URGENT, New York about to be destroyed (again)

Meet Father Time in the Lobby in five minutes.

Now, somewhere around next Tuesday, all the Supers will get the memo and New York will be destroyed (again), but for now, what’s the hurry? See, the way we see it is like this: if they kept to their schedule of destroying New York (again), they’d simply get tired of rebuilding it, and no one would have a job. Some problems simply solve themselves if you ignore them long enough.

The Micro Manager: You can’t have a super organization without something to do, or people will start wondering. The Micro Manager makes sure that all these guys keep busy doing something like destroying New York (again). Once New York is destroyed (again), who do you think pulls the building permits to fix it back up? And, regardless of what you see on screen, we can’t destroy ALL of New York (again).

Nope. Before the Minivan leaves Poughkeepsie, there is the Micro Manager:

“Hawkeye, you’re in charge.”

“Today we’re aiming for 34th St. and 5th Ave. Widow, while you’re there, stop at Macy’s and pick me up some cologne for Stark — that suit’s beginning to smell.”

“Listen, the contractors will need to start at 6 pm, and I have building inspectors for Grand Central at 4. Will you please try to keep on schedule? No stopping for shawarma this time, okay? Just get a pretzel along the way. We have pizza back here once you’re done.”

“Okay, that’s it for now. Have fun destroying New York (again).”

The Alterator: Somehow, I just don’t see these guys knitting their own costumes. Well, maybe Spider-boy, but he’s young and ambitious, so who’s counting.

These guys never, and we mean never, show up to destroy New York (again) without just the right outfits, hair, and makeup in place, looking just so — and by this of course, we mean Thor.

While Father Time is waiting in the lobby, there he is, getting his “Thoreal” products in his lovely mane. Yes, the Alterator knows that she simply taped a “TH” on the label, but if it makes him feel special, so be it.