Congratulations, You’re Getting Married!

Your wedding is a special event.  Everyone will tell you this for the next several months.

What a wedding is… is pretty much the biggest most expensive party you will ever throw.

My guess is that you’ve thrown parties before.  For example, those parties in your college days where your roommate Joe drank an entire fishbowl, including the little scuba diver, the castle, and perhaps even the fish, only to find himself over the porcelain fishbowl later that evening?  That was nothing in comparison to what you are about to do – yes it involved the cops, paramedics the local News and Joe’s family, but trust me that was much easier than what you are going to do. 

Thankfully you have me.  I’ve been collecting wedding stories for years, and I can pass on to you some of the lessons that I have learned.

So, hang on to your hat (if you’re wearing one), get a cold beer (or 2, 3, 4, ….I’d suggest one for each lesson) and understand this – everything I am about to tell you is absolutely true.

Lesson #1:  You think you surprised her?  Well, understand this – you were groomed for this day

There is a reason you are called the Groom, and it has absolutely nothing to do with personal hygiene. 

If you haven’t realized it already, the only one who was surprised at the proposal was you.  Your future wife has been guiding you, slowly and methodically, skillfully using subliminal training, to this very day. 

She may act surprised, but don’t you ever believe it.  That perfectly romantic location?  Yep, she brought you there many months ago.  That ring that is oh-so-beautiful?  Sorry to tell you buddy, but she showed it to you when you were just out ‘shopping’.

The response from your guy friends – congratulations and have a beer.  The response from her girlfriends – what the heck took so long?

Now, sometimes we catch them in the act.

When I proposed to my wife (the saint), she actually laughed at the proposal.  Until she saw the ring when it she cried.  I will leave it to you to guess which was the more appropriate reaction, but what I can tell you is that she made me drive all the way from Carlsbad to Montebello to ask permission to get married of her father.  I remember sitting in the family kitchen with her father, who had no idea what to do or say. He was unprepared. We stood there, he spoke for a few minutes about what I could not tell you, and that was about it.  He may have given me permission, but we will never know.

Now that I think about it, that was probably payback for having surprised her.  Hmmm…

Lesson #2: The Groom is Not Necessary for the Wedding.

Let’s be clear. Once you are on a bended knee you need not get up.

This is the bride’s day – she and her entourage of friends, moms, sisters, coworkers and occasional acquaintances have planned this in advance.

Your responsibility is to 1) show up, preferably groomed in your tuxedo (hint – do NOT drink Kool-Aid before the wedding);  2) stay sober, no matter how much you might want to not do so  3) do what they tell you to do. TO THE LETTER.

And lest you think that this changes on the day after the wedding, let me explain this to you:  You will be told what to do for the rest of your life.

Even if we go on a routine run to Denny’s I ask:  1) when are we going? 2) what are we doing? 3) what am I wearing? and 4) what am I saying?    So long as I do every single one of these things, I’m good to go.

My father gave me this advice – always get in the last word in an argument:  “Yes Dear”.

Lesson #3:  There is a Progression from your Parents

I have found that there is a definite progression of events that happens between both the bride and groom and each set of their parents:

Step 1.  You start dating:                   “When are you going to get engaged?

Step 2.  You get engaged                    “When is the wedding?”

Step 3.  You get married                    “When is the baby?

Step 4.  You have a baby                    “We’re going to Jamaica.”

Jamaica?   Yep. What you need to know is that your parents are engaged with their friends in a time honored tradition – a fight to the death over who has the best grandkids.

Did you honestly think your parents wanted to Pay for the wedding? 

Up to this point, you are being lead into the Progression, so that they can have a cute grandkid. Once the baby’s born, all they need is regular picture updates and the assurance that your kid is not an ax-murderer. Or hasn’t been caught. They and their publicists will take it from there. 

If you thought that they want to be regular babysitters, you’ve got another thing coming. They had to raise YOU after all, and they’re not exactly stupid. Once you’re married with kids, you are on your own.

Lesson #4: Weddings are Priceless. Be prepared to pay.

I do not know how this happens.  I suspect there are secret Amazon satellites that know when two people become engaged, so that every shopkeeper, wedding planner, florist, photographer and CVS store clerk knows to double the price.

You are well advised to learn that that whatever you think the cost is, you should double it.  That 50 cent dollop of Cheez-Whiz on a Ritz Cracker?  $5.00 easy. Those frozen pigs in a blanket – expensive crudités I assure you.

Whatever it is, you will pay it. I say this because if you don’t you will spoil her big day and you absolutely positively will live to regret it.

For us, it was the florist.  We got married on President’s day because 1) it is after Valentine’s Day and 2) there are never flowers available.  All my wife wanted was Sterling Roses in her bouquet.  We hunted around until we found the florist who agreed – there positively absolutely would be Sterling Roses in her bouquet.

On the day of the wedding, I thought the flowers looked great.  I am a guy and therefore I know NOTHING.  My wife saw her bouquet with very pretty roses, but they were not Sterlings.  To this day if my wife sees a single Sterling Rose, a sense of unbridled rage appears in her eyes.  If our Florist were to show up, I’m pretty sure there would be some sort of justifiable homicide.  A jury of her peers (all married women) would be sure to acquit her.

The measure of commitment in your marriage is directly correlated to the amount of bail you would be willing to post. That is what it takes to pay for a wedding.

Lesson #5:  Your Family Will Find You

So, the cost is huge, and the planning is enormous, the stress is ridiculous.  Heck, why not just elope?

Because, silly, your family will find you.  Take my friends, who wanted to have a small, romantic wedding near the beautiful red hills of Sedona.  By the time they were done, they had 75 people, including dear Uncle Burt, hiding from a raging sandstorm in the middle of the desert.

Like your past, you cannot escape your family, and whomever you invite will be the wrong choice, as someone will hate you for not being invited.  The best choice is to simply leave a blank check with the caterer and a piece of paper with Mom.  They’ll know what to do.

And whatever you do, do not give any actual responsibility to your family. They will simply end up drunk and videotaping the ceiling.

Lesson #6: Get Outta the Way – Dancing is for Grandma

There really is no need for a first dance.  No one is watching you dance.  Dancing is for Grandma.  She has not been out on the dance floor since the either the last family wedding or the Eisenhower administration, whichever came earlier. That artificial hip is ready, waiting and cannot be contained.

This explains why you are legally required to include the following songs at your wedding:  “What I like about You”, “Celebrate”, and “New York, New York” in every wedding. Grandma recognizes these songs, and she’s ready to go.   But whatever you do, please (for the love of god), do not play some song that talks about the “junk in her trunk”. There are children present.

I will always remember the wedding at a tried-and-true reception hall in the San Fernando Valley.  They had the “wedding combo” a perfectly competent group of men in their mid-70’s.  They came up to the song “Celebrate” with all the soul they could muster (and muster they did). Regardless of what you might think every grandmother got up and boogied.

Or at a recent family wedding in Portland, where the reception was ready to close down except for one thing: They could not get the Grandmas off the dance floor.

Mind you, I mean this well.  My fondest memories of various weddings was when I got my grandmothers up on the dance floor. And to my daughter I say this – if you do not dance with me at the wedding (when you are 45!) I will kill the groom (I may do that anyway).

Lesson #7:  The Weather Hates You. But it will be Nice Tomorrow.

You forgot to invite Mother Nature, right?  Well, just like all of the rest of the family you cannot escape, you cannot escape Mom Nature.

You don’t believe me?  Just consider this:  you remember dear Uncle Burt in the desert?  Yep, he got craned by the umbrella that was protecting the cake from the sandstorm.  And later that same day, it hailed on the first dance (with Grandma).

Or how about my friends who, concerned for their guests well-being, took a 60 degree Wednesday as the harbinger of doom, and had about 75 gas-fired heaters delivered to their wedding on the hottest day of the year.

Their wedding had another twist:  A Priest, a Rabbi and a Buddhist Monk met in a bar (er, at the wedding bar) and…  No really, they had a multicultural wedding with all these fine fellows, but which I mean it was long-winded (get it?). So the bride and groom sat on each side of the altar, but it was 105 that day and… he was in the shade whereas she (in her wedding dress) sat directly in the sun.  I’m pretty sure that he has spent every day since apologizing to his wife.

And at our wedding?  Well, we were indoors – it was therefore a lovely day.  But at the end of the ceremony, at 1am, when the limo did not show up, it started to rain. I packed up the cab with our gifts, unpacked them in my top hat and tails at the 4 seasons, and made 20 bucks in tips unloading other guest’s cars.

Here’s the most important point –  in each of the cases above, it was 75 and beautiful the following day. I absolutely kid you not.

Lesson #8:  Audience Participation Is At Your Own Risk.

The goal of your DJ, Band, or MC is to engage your family and friends in the wedding.  The have it down to a science and will explain it to you very carefully:

1. You will enter the room to (New York, New York)
2. We will have the speeches from the Best Man, who will talk about that time in Reno where the groom made an idiot of himself, and for the Matron of Honor, who will ask “what the heck took so long?”
3. You will eat dinner.
4. You will have your first dance to (New York New York)
5. We will allow Grandma to Dance to (New York, New York)
6. You will eat cake and smear it on each other’s noses (actually only on his; her makeup too way too long to put on to be spoiled by cake).
7. You will toss the Bouquet and Garter
8. Your guests will dance to (New York, New York).

Be very very careful.  He is lulling you into a hallucinatory dream state where you think the wedding will go exactly as planned.  But it won’t.

I remember another friend’s wedding.  A fellow named Fred caught the garter, and a girl named Frieda caught the bouquet. This is where the DJ said “A year of good luck for every inch Fred gets the garter up Frieda’s Leg”. 

There is some important and rather sensitive personal information that I need to convey here.  Fred was single and did not want to be. Like the garter, he wasn’t what many of us would refer to as a “good catch”.  He was a nice guy, I assure you, but did not have a history of being ‘lucky’. That was about to change.

As for Frieda, I did not know her, but it is my understanding that she too did not want to be single. More importantly, Frieda was not wearing the appropriate foundational garments, or so I was told after I witnessed the following.

• Frieda is seated in a chair in the middle of the dance floor for all to see. Fred kneels in front of her.
• The MC plays the suggestive song “New York, New York” – oops, I mean the Stripper Song.
• Fred begins to push the garter up her leg, rather enthusiastically.  He is bound and determined to prove to the bride, groom and himself, that they can all ‘get lucky’.
• Frieda is clenching her knees together in a vice-like grip, so that not even subatomic particles, much less the garter, can get past. Her luck is running out.
• The MC continues to goad poor Fred and Frieda in what is best described as either a mating ritual or a cage match. 

Brides – please understand that I have no idea why one would want to throw flowers at their single friends. But I ask of you – Please be careful.  You wield an important and dangerous piece of vegetation.

It was at my sister’s wedding.  I am surrounded by all the matriarchs of my family – my mom, my grandmothers, aunts and all the other matrons – at the time it seemed like 50 in all.  Lizzy gets called to the floor, and my sister (whom I am sure was aiming) sent the flowers her way. 

Not a single one of these women went to congratulate Liz. Instead, they all turned around and faced me together.  It was like a pack of hyenas picking off the weak gazelle from the herd.

I was doomed.

Last Lesson #9:  Something Unexpected Will Occur. And it Will Touch You.

Dante had 9 circles in Hell.  I have 9 lessons. You do the math.

Here’s the thing:  I spent the last several pages telling stories of things gone wrong.  And I can absolutely promise you that they are all true, and can verify any and all of them.

Telling these stories and being snarky is not meant to suggest that these aren’t wonderful things. Every story told above was told happily and with the good humor of all the participants. All the things that went wrong, all the craziness of planning, family arguments and such are what makes the day special in the end.

So, embrace the chaos, because your wedding is just the preparation for all the things that start on the very next day, when you start to plan your home and family. That, my friends, is an entirely different lesson.

There will be a moment that will stick with you. For me, it was that moment when we were standing on the altar and I was looking at my wife. I remember it perfectly: She was beautiful, she was nervous, she was crying, and I realized “What the hell is she doing with an idiot like me?”  I have said that to myself pretty much every day for 24 years, and nothing else matters.

I have been learning that what does matter are these ‘little things’. After the wedding, I tried to wash my handkerchief of the bright red lipstick that I wiped off after my wife kissed me on the altar.  It did not fade. To this day, that handkerchief sits in my sock drawer as a reminder that we were here to stay.

And that is my last story.  At our wedding, my friend Donna provided us with some Advice.  She wrote it down, and it sits on the wall of our home for all of our friends to see:

Advice

The wise and learned women

In my long ancestral line,

Have passed some good advice to me

On down the march of time:

When the man you Love’s a good friend

When his Love is tried and true

When he celebrates your glory

When he comforts through moods blue

When he understands the dreams you have

And holds some of his own

Then Love him true as he loves you

And make your house a home.