(and other fine traditions)

[Author’s Note: I wrote this in 2015, my last year in the Nutcracker. To honor Nancy 10 years ago, we created the “Golden Caster Award” and by some miracle it has become a good thing. In honor of that anniversary I provide you this story.]

If you had asked me when I was young if I would ever be the president of a ballet company, much less in the cast of a Nutcracker, I’d have thought you were nuts. If you had asked me would I become a smuggler, well that would’ve seemed more likely.  Clearly, I was going to be rich and famous, so Rock God would have been more my speed.

Somewhere along the way I realized that it isn’t fame and fortune that matters.  Consider Donald Trump – he has all the money in the world, but The Donald has had to live with that hair since the 1980’s.  (Little known presidential trivia fact from 1985 – although Al Gore is widely credited with inventing the internet, Donald Trump’s main mane is the actual source of all those 1980 hair-bands.)

So if it isn’t fame and fortune, what is it?  Simple – the secret to success is to have some really good stories. So now that I’m officially old (according to my daughter), and can no longer “rock on”, I’ll do just about any weird thing just to get another story.

And that brings us back to Ballet.  For the last 10 years, I’ve been in the cast of the Ballet Etudes Nutcracker.  I do this simply because they let me get away with causing trouble. A lot of trouble. The kind of trouble that has made our Artistic Director Sasha simply shake her head, as if to say “yes, he ate paint chips as a kid”.

And this is such a story, the story of the “Big Floating Nancy Head”.

It started fairly simply.  My good friend Nancy turned 50 this year.  Nothing, and I do mean NOTHING, gets by this woman. Her husband, Dennis, planned a marvelous surprise party in her honor at a very nice country club, and the restaurant patio was festooned with Nancy’s smiling face.  Dozens of life-size Nancy Masks, and a Big Floating Nancy Head.  The thing is, she absolutely, positively knew all of this before she walked in. And, no, she did NOT try to feign surprise.

Now, my constant partner in crime, Mike, and I saw all of these, and we knew what we had to do.  Actually, Mike said “we should do this”, and I snuck off with about 14 of these life-sized Nancy Masks. He’s the genius, I’m the muscle. At this rate I’m pretty sure that one day I’ll be in prison and he’ll be walking free.

So, we waited.  And when then it came time for the annual Party Parent’s Prank.  And we had 14 life-sized Nancy Masks. And, in Nancy’s living room, was a Big Floating Nancy Head.  The temptation was just too real to ignore.

You would think that we could simply ask Dennis, but of course he was in something like New Zealand as a way of escaping us.  So, we had to turn her daughter Hannah into a life of crime (I’m pretty sure she is saying “Thanks Dad” as we speak).  They say that the Party Parents are role models – for felons.

During the week, I contact Hannah and say “I need the Big Floating Nancy Head”.   Fourteen-dozen texts later (fortunately, no emoticons were used), I get the message – She has left it behind the gate next to their garage. But, she’ll be home at 6pm, or maybe 6:15, but she’ll want dinner at 6:25 to be at the studio at 6:30, but…..   All intended to make sure I would not get caught, of course.  All that Nancy had to do was see her texting me and the jig would be up, so I tell her “I’ll have to take the risk – put my name at the guard station and I’ll be by at 6:30”.

Now, they have a beautiful house in a gated community, the type where the neighbors all know one another and all watch out for one another. So I cannot be seen, but fortunately “stealth” is my middle name (sure, we can believe that). Sure enough, I get to the guard station and Murray the security guard is there.  Murray looks to be about 65, and he looks like he has an itchy trigger finger. But my name is there, and I sneak in, around the back way to Nancy’s house, turn off my lights, and park.  So far, So good.

I sneak in front of the house.  The street is quiet – again, so far so good.  I go around to the gate – no sudden lights, sirens, all good. Two minutes and I’m out.

I reach to the gate, and it will not open. It is dark.  It is a tall gate – I cannot see over it to see if it is locked.  Uh, Oh…

Now, immediately, my mind goes into panic mode.  I’ll get caught for sure.  I think of the possibilities, and from least scary to most scary they are:

1. The neighbors spot me, call 911, and I get arrested and shipped off to a Turkish Prison for the rest of my life.
2. Murray comes by, and he has an itchy trigger finger.
3. A neighbor spots me and sends his attack poodle after me.
4. Nancy finds out.

I find the latch, and it seems OK.  But the gate will not open.  Uh, Oh.

I sneak back to my car, get my flashlight. Surely the neighbors will find me, when I shine a light like a beacon.  I creep back up, shine my light and I see it – the Big Floating Nancy Head – just waiting for me.  So far, still OK.

I decide the only way to purloin this portrait is to try to shove the gate. It’ll undoubtedly set off sirens, and Murray will find me.  So I prepare to use all my weight (ok, maybe just a little of it), and shove the door.

And I do. And it Moves. And I think “I’m going to make it”.  And……  A car pulls into the driveway. 

I grab the Big Floating Nancy Head, and there I stand, pressed against the side of the garage just hoping, Hoping, HOPING that whomever is in that car will simply turn off the engine and walk through the door.

And the car keeps running. And running.  The thing is running so long the gas supplies from the Ukraine are now running low.  Whoever is sitting there is probably texting Murray as we speak, and he and his itchy trigger finger are running full speed (25 miles an hour – this is a residential zone and Murray has a golf cart) to arrest me. 

And I think, what if that’s Dennis and he came home from Antarctica (whatever) early?  So, I get on all fours, peer through a bush and, yep, it is NANCY AND SHE IS 5 FEET AWAY.  But she is answering texts or something, and I’m still very very lucky.

Which, as you may have guessed, means I was exactly wrong. Again.  Here comes a neighbor and wouldn’t you know it, he has a large vicious attack poodle. I’m only about 20 feet away, surely the dog will find me, be set loose, and then Murray will come (sirens screaming) with his itchy trigger finger.  AND NANCY WILL FIND OUT!

And lady luck was there again.  The neighbor and Fifi go strolling on by, and Nancy just sits there. 

And she shuts off the car.  And then, 2 feet away from me, the garage door goes up.  If she goes to the side of the garage, or if she decides to do like working on Nutcracker Props in her garage, I’m doomed.  But no, the door goes down and it goes quiet.

I run to my car put Nancy in the back (she does get me into the carpool lane, I’m pretty certain), and hightail it out of there at 30 miles per hour (yes, I’m risking a traffic ticket but that’s ok). I wave at Murray, and Nancy goes home with me.

In the few days intervening, Nancy is sitting in our study in a nice comfortable chair.  But she is just staring at all of us. I’m pretty sure her eyes are moving as if to say – I WILL CATCH YOU, SO GIVE UP NOW!  But we ignore this, as we are now seasoned criminals.

Of course, you all probably want to know what happened to this purloined portrait, this fingered figure, this pirated portrait, this smuggled snapshot…. (yes, I got out the thesaurus, and you’d be amazed at how many possibilities there are for such larceny)…. Well, the story is not quite over.

The Thursday of Load-In comes.  This is the day we hang all the sets and props.  Nancy is now sitting in my backseat, and I show up at the studio to ‘volunteer’ so that I can get the pillaged picture into the theater.  And I park, and Nancy drives up and is standing 20 feet away.  But she never sees it. Nor does Sasha.

We get to the theater, and I unload the masks, the disk with the Nancy Theme Song (“Shut Up and Dance”), and I get them into the theater unnoticed.  But the Big Floating Nancy Head – well, that I cannot hide, so I’ll simply wait patiently for Nancy and Sasha to leave.

All the guys leave.  Surprisingly, Nancy leaves pretty quickly as she has to go be a Mom and get her daughter, my partner in crime.  But Sasha, she just hangs out.  So, I hang out.  There is probably NO reason for me to hang out.  When everything is hung, Sasha leaves, I escort her to her car (parked 2 spots from mine, and yet she didn’t see the Big Floating Nancy Head), and leaves.

I drive up, Nancy gets hung from a pole by Joe our theater manager, and I see her fly to the rafters. Fly, be Free, Big Floating Nancy Head!

And the next day is the Tech Rehearsal.  I have to give the music to Randy the sound technician and explain how it’s going to go.  I’m doing this, and Sasha walks right up.  “Now what in god’s name am I doing in the sound booth with Randy” – you’d have to figure out that she’d question it, but Nope. 

And I have to get the Nancy Masks onstage.  Mike and I get Lori, Tiffany, and others involved.  We open the box and show them (multiple times) what these look like.  The box moves all around backstage as we figure this out. Finally, Tiffany will pass them out. And Nancy, who is floating on stage not far from us, is there, pacing back and forth working on props.

And we need to get it videotaped.  So, I’m walking around with a tripod to Molly, our photographer, who agreed to start it up. Like I have some reason to have a tripod in the front row of the theater.  Surely, someone will figure it out?

And all the Party Parents have to know what to do. Emails have bent sent. And Clara, the cast lead, is taught just what to say and how to get it rolling…. WE ARE READY AND NANCY STILL DOES NOT KNOW!

The curtain goes up, the rehearsal starts.  Now, after 10 years, I ought not be so darned nervous, but I have to tell you, the music must’ve been running at half speed because it is the longest rehearsal I have ever attended.  I go on stage in front of an audience and am not nervous; now I’m panicking.

But the time finally comes, just before the second Parent’s Dance (called the “Grandparents Dance”)

• Jacqui runs out and stops the show
• Randy stops the music and flips on the Nancy Theme
• Tiffany passes out Nancy Masks to the Party Parents
• I run around pulling kids, Nancy, Joe Company Girls, just about everyone out to dance.
• The Big Floating Nancy Head comes down
• And, best of all, Nancy Never Had A Clue.

Of course, you, the reader, are hearing this from my perspective, and reading back a few pages you’d think I was in it alone.

But read it again.  You will see that this was the effort of dozens of people, and especially the Party Parents.  Many talk about Nutcracker traditions, but this is really the best tradition.  There are so many stories:

• The Nutcracker Luau, with Grandma’s coconut bikini top and a Tiki Nutcracker.
• The Wigs, which enamored the response from our Director:  “The rehearsal is good, but I find the wigs a little disturbing”.
• Nutcracker, Gangnam Style
• What the Fox Said, complete with fake animal noses
• The day Clara rehearsed with her very special iPod.
• Michele’s lemon meringue pie.

And that’s why we do it.  After 10 years, my stories are now finite.  But I could fill a book with all of them, and perhaps someday I will, as I will be in prison and because it would be a tribute to the mischievous miscreants who made it all so much fun.