We’ve all heard this phrase in Star Trek from Dr. McCoy: “Dammit Jim, I’m a Doctor, not a …..”

There’s quite a list of things that the good doctor will not do.  Per the internet, there’s about 25 such things (Face it, this is all the internet is actually good for), which includes things like this:  He is not a bricklayer, mechanic, escalator (was that really a question?), or a coal miner.

But there is one thing conspicuously absent from the list:  He never said he wasn’t a maid.

I would like to think that I am King of LarryLand. Closer to the truth – I am the janitor of 16 palms.

It’s Saturday, and I’m doing my chores (and using you to avoid doing my chores; Dammit Jim, I’m a janitor, not a saint).

All week long, I sit in my office talking to people about important things and saying stuff like: “To maximize our strategic value we must leverage our resources to accomplish this project” (Business to English Translation – “We have work to do”).  No one ever asks me to clean the bathrooms.  We have a guy at the office whose job it is to put up a brace across the doorway that says it’s subject to “maintenance”. 

Nope, that’s for Saturday.  I’ve tried using my best Business talk with my wife, but she’s onto me. So, I swap my calculator for a toilet brush.  Really, I don’t mind – when the house is clean and tidy it’s nice to just hang around.

But this got me to a’thinkin:   Who cleans the International Space Station?

I’m not trying to start a conspiracy theory here – we have the HB City Council to do that – but NASA never mentions how the Space Station gets scrubbed.  Yes, because people have asked “How do you, ummm, (giggle)… you know, um,….. (giggle), er… Poop in Space (giggle, giggle)”, they have shown contraptions that in theory work in space.  Thankfully, NASA has never demonstrated how those work in space.

But if your me, cleaning your 1900 square foot home every week, you think to yourself this:  Every time they launch another person into space, they say the guy is going to live there on a 6 month sublet.  It only makes sense that they have to clean the place once in a while.

But NNOOOOoooooooo, they never mention this fact.  You hear that Astronaut So-And-So is working on an experiment feeding Mentos into Coke to see if it will blow up in space, thus contributing to the broad base of space knowledge necessary to allow for us to put life on Mars (or at the very least go viral on Tik Tok).  But they never follow it up with “And Commander Chekov is cleaning the counters in the kitchen.”

Heck, if NASA has nothing to hide, they ought to put a few statistics on their website, yes?  Of course they did – there are something like 30 bullet points of information on the station. Clearly they must say something useful.  Nope – here’s what they have:

• 242 ‘individuals’ (what, no twins, no symbiotic life forms from Planet Zotar?) from 19 countries have ‘visited’ the Space Station since November 2000.
• 6 people live at the station at any given time.  Per Zillow, it has 6 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms, a gym, and a 360-degree view bay window. It lists for $1.5B, but in this market might go for a bit more.
• They have a “Water Recovery System” that cuts back on how much water they ship up from Earth.  They do NOT mention who brings the “Mr. Clean”.
• There are about 50 computers on the Space Station, less than an average teenager has in his or her room. Obviously, they need an upgrade to “Bay Windows 10”.

As an aside – you might think that I made that description of the real estate listing up. No I Did Not – I copied it directly from the site.

But think about it – 242 people have shared this 6-bedroom house and it’s only 2 bathrooms for 21 years. What, you think that at least 1 of the 242 ‘individuals’ didn’t make a mess?  My wife and I share a 3-bedroom house and have to clean it every week.  And that is before Taco Tuesday.

And just because I was already at it, the Spaceship Enterprise had 430 people on a 5 year mission.  I’m pretty sure there were more than a few tribbles up there, if you get my drift.

Anyway, I think we need to demand accountability here from NASA.  Who Vacuums in the Vacuum of Space?

If the space station is travelling 5 miles per second, and the scientists say there’s a lot of dust up there, it stands to reason that those bay windows get pretty dirty. I suppose once Bill Gates Buys the Station he can probably afford to hire a cleaning service, but exactly how do you clean the windows? Is Spock in a Space Suit holding a Space Squeegee cleaning the windshield of Elon’s Space-Tesla (currently double parked in the red-zone in front of MarsBucks). I can only hope that Elon was thoughtful enough to pack a lifetime supply of Turtle Wax; otherwise he may not “Live Long and Prosper”.

Personally, I believe that they have a hand-written list of kitchen duty taped to the fridge. Which brings me to Jeff Bezos.

Jeff has decided to build himself a space plane, and for $28M you can go up with him.  Family Flies Free (that being his brother).  It seems fitting that he should be the one delivering the Mr. Clean to the guys in the station.

And Elon, well, he’s been in space for a long time, but plans on living on Mars. He can afford the real estate up there, but like the rest of us, not a 2-bedroom condo in Pasadena.

In any case, Jeff’s about to make his maiden flight.  As an aside, why is he a “maiden”?  It seems to me that, as he is single, this is his ‘bachelor’ flight, but I do not know his personal pronoun preferences. Maybe this is just his way of getting on the Bachelor and the space station is just a “Bachelor Pad”.  That makes sense – those are only as clean as the restrooms at an average gas station. 

I can only imagine what happens when he gets to his new pad.

Captain Kirk: “This is your captain. Thank you for flying on Jet Blue Origin (oops, sorry – Blue Origin). Your baggage will be delivered at Baggage Claim 4.  Buh-Bye”

As he steps off the plane: “Welcome Mr. Bezos.  Mr. Sulu will show you around; after you’ve had a chance to settle in, you can start your duties.  Here’s your mop”.

Lex Luthor (um Mr. Bezos): “What?  I’m not cleaning this place up.  I bought it.  Do You Know Who I Am????”

Kirk: “Listen sir, we’ve all got to pitch-in around this place. I can’t help it that you launched on the way up. Just do your part, ok?”

Bezos: “Now you listen – Do You Know Who I Am????”

Kirk: “I don’t care who you are. I’m the captain. I fly the ship. Do you want to crash into that asteroid over there?  Well, DO YOU????

One more thing – you’ll need to clean up in aisle 2.  Scotty had a few Romulan Ales last night and…..  Well, let’s just say he’s a sloppy drunk.”

Yep, that’s how I think it works. And to be clear, I would pay just about anything to see that last part.  Admit it – we’d all love to see Bezos be put in his “space place”.

Now – I gotta go scrub those floors…

[Editors Update:  Yep, I wrote this about 2 years ago. Since then, Kaptain Kirk has been up to space for real on Jeff’s oddly-shaped rocket, COVID’s ended, and so has my “career”. But one thing has NOT changed – I still get to clean house. Some things never change, and I’m glad for it.]