(guess who wins)

So our friends Matt and Heidi made the dubious decision to take their kids on an 8+ hour drive from Northern California to visit Disneyland for 3 days.  It’s “Magical” as my daughter would say. Its exhausting is what I would say; we have experience. 

However, they’re wonderful people and we jumped at the chance to join them for dinner at Downtown Disney, a shopping mall that has the same trinkets and food as every other store and kiosk in the theme park. And the lines to prove it. As they sat us down for a ridiculously overpriced buffet, Heidi had this look in her eye that provided a simple message – “I don’t care what it costs, I’m getting a beer”.   One does not blame her.

But now you have to imagine what happens after a dinner that includes unlimited desserts.  Let’s take Disney Stock here – we’re tired, we’ve been dealing with large crowds, we’ve been eating a lot of sugar – What could go wrong? Oh, yes, I forgot – Never give small kids or people named Larry sugar. OK, let’s face it, I’m not talking about their kids. I’m the one bouncing off the walls. My poor wife has yet to recover.

There is a bit of a backstory that is important to explain what happens next.  When we got to the park, they told us to get our parking ticket validated by purchasing some trinket in the DisneyMall. So, we stopped at a Star Wars store (Mel Brooks had it so right in Spaceballs….  Moichendaising) and bought a baby Yogurt trinket.  BUT… I forgot to get our ticket punched. 

So, I gave it to the restaurant, who refused to provide either punch or a punched ticket. The explanation was as follows:

• You are required to get your parking ticket punched.
• You are required to buy something in a DisneyStore.
• BUT.. we are not a store – we are in the DisneyHotel, and therefore the VERY LARGE SUM OF MONEY YOU SPENT ON MEDIOCRE FOOD DOES NOT COUNT.
• However, if you were to actually put your car in Valet at the hotel (for what cost I don’t know but am pretty sure it’s the same as a 4 year college education), they would validate that ticket in the restaurant. Why, I’m still not sure; we’re in valet after all.
• You have to go back into the DisneyMall, take your trinket and receipt to a store and they will punch it.

Tom Cruise has his Mission Impossible. He’s jumped from planes, trains and automobiles; he has punched numerous bad guys.  But to the best of my knowledge he has never punched his ticket. That’s a mission beyond impossible.

So, we said our goodbyes to Matt, Heidi and the kids, who began the long Bhutan Death March back into the park (No, Mommy, NOOOOOO – says Matt), and headed to the DisneyMall to get our escape pass for parking. So now the fun begins…..

My wife and I wander into a store called the “World of Disney”. It is full of multi-verses, of that you can be sure. My wife’s going to do a bit of shopping. I’m heading for the cash register to get punched (they’ve had a long day; it’s only fair). As I stand in line, a tired looking Dad and another (unrelated) Mom gets in line behind me.

Me: “So, this is the Happiest Place on Earth?”

Dad:  Tired smile. “I guess so.”

Me (to Mom): “I can’t say for you, but I’m simply looking for Validation”

Mom:  Quizzical expression.

Me (to both): “I mean, it really is just a parking validation, but I’ll take what I can get.”

Both:  A knowing look and a slight laugh. It was the best they could muster.

What was even better was the look on the store clerk’s face when I approached.  When told I need validation she says, and I am not kidding, “You waited in line for this?”

Of course, the clerk then explains to me that I’ve still got it wrong.  Yes, I can take the ticket to her, but I’m supposed to pay $20 for a trinket so that I can only pay $10 to park for 4 hours. And, yes, the restaurant bill of $1,235,178 does not count. But as she looks at the sheer desperation on my face, she takes pity and stamps it anyway. I have 4 hours to get out of the park before something “magical” happens.

This is when I realize that the World of Disney may be a Small World After All, but it is a Very Large Store. I have no idea where my wife went, and no idea how I will find her. But, I’m pretty sure it will take me longer than 4 hours to do so. 

I wander up the aisles, down the aisles, and over to the “Mobile Order” desk.  Of course, I can’t help myself. This was our conversation:

Me: “This is the Mobile Order Desk?  Then why are you standing still?  Shouldn’t you be wandering around like me?”

Clerk: “Ha, Ha, sir, that is very funny.  It is a Mobile Phone stand.”

Me: “Oh… In that case can you explain my mobile phone to me?”

Clerk: “Ha, Ha, sir.”  And she provides me with the official Disney Point to another clerk standing at the ready.

That happens to be Flor.  Yes, Flor is working the Floor.  I kid you not.  I so wanted to go up to her and simply say “Can you find my Mommy?” but suspected that is when the Goofy Police would throw me into a cage full of Mice and I would disappear forever.  [My daughter’s exact response to my picture was “Ah, yes, Goofy and an iconic Disney character.”]

Flor-tunately for her, my wife found me at that time. She took me by the hand, scolded me and walked me out of the store, head hung low.

And then we walk into the Lego Store, where there are lots of characters covered in Legos, as well as some large displays made from toy blocks.  A very nice clerk is at a table called “Demo”.  She is showing off a model of a Fire Department water-dropping plane.  Just what every kid wants.

Me: “Hmm… I thought these were bigger.”

Clerk: “Ha, Ha, sir, this is just a model.”

Me: “Yes, but Governor Newsom just ordered 15 of them at a cost of $35 million each.”  (admit it – you know that could actually happen.)

Clerk: “Ha, Ha, sir, that’s very funny.”  (but she did think about it for a minute).

Me: “Well, look at it this way. You’ve got a career that you can Build On.”

Clerk: “Yes sir, that’s what they tell me.”

So, it took 100 years to build the Disney Empire.  It took me about 4 hours to destroy it. Mission Accomplished. Take That Tom.

As they say, Disneyland is the “Happiest Place on Earth”.  As we headed for home, I asked my wife “If Disneyland is the Happiest Place on Earth, then what is our home?”

She didn’t answer the question.