In a few hours I’m going to head out and meet up with my friend and former co-worker Aaron. Why?  Well, he and his wife Cathy are about to have a Bundle of Joy – a little girl.  That’s great.

You see, their co-workers had a baby shower for them both, but I wasn’t able to attend.  Yes, I feel guilty about that, but more importantly, I get the feeling that I am supposed to impart some sort of wisdom on a new parent.

Mind you, Aaron’s seen all of my parenting skills on these posts, and he had worked with me for a long time, so truthfully he knows better. But if you think that’s the kind of deterrent that will stop me, you obviously don’t follow my writings very closely.

I’m also supposed to bring that shower gift that I would have brought to the shower (soap anyone? Trust me, you’ll need it!)

Typically, I hate giving gifts that are not personalized in some fashion, bought at a store and wrapped up.  But when it comes to babies, I know exactly what to get – Diapers. (or a Target Card to be used for diapers).

So, Aaron and Cathy – you need to understand this piece of wisdom.

When your little one comes, she’s going to be beautiful. It’s amazing how precious, small and peaceful those first few minutes are. You will be instantly in love with her, and every fiber of your being will want to take care of her.

BUT…. Newborn babies don’t like you.  It’s nothing personal. They were perfectly comfortable in their prior crib, getting fed constantly, sleeping all day and kicking Mom in the guts all night long. All they really needed was cable.

But now you’re playing with them when they want to rest (remember this rule – don’t EVER *S#+$*# with a sleeping baby – See What You’re Not Expecting). And they have to request food – it’s no longer on demand. Put yourself in their shoes (which are too tiny for you, and which they will NEVER wear). You’d be pretty grumpy too.

And this is why you really need a Target Card. For baby’s revenge.

At your shower you got clean little tiny baby clothes, clean little tiny washcloths, clean little tiny accessories, clean little tiny sheets, clean little tiny…… Yes, everything matches, it’s all really pretty, and it is everything you think you needed on your gift registry. 

We did the same thing.  I remember spending something like an hour trying to figure out how to fold baby clothes, only to learn that you simply stuff them in the drawer.

Why?  Because all those clean little tiny matching things are not going to be clean, tidy or matching ever again.  You’re about to learn that you will grab anything that is nearby and handy to take care of your little one. At 3am when you’re exhausted. So what if they’re wearing a bright yellow shirt with a weird green stain, mismatched socks, and sucking on a pacifier that you found in the bottom of your car (but wiped on your sleeve, which oddly has a weird green stain as well).

As a first time parent, you try to keep up appearances. This is a mistake. The baby will win. She is patient, with nothing to do but stare up at you and think of how to do things to get even.

See, what you really need is about 300 metric tons of diapers, wipes and cleaning supplies. Hence the Target Card.

We brought home our little bundle of joy. She was perfect. And then we had to clean up. Repeatedly. For Years.  Frankly, I cannot understand how something so beautiful and tiny can produce so many different multi-colored fluids that stain everything they touch.

But I got to a’thinking and realized this – She was timing it all. At 3am. Or every time we were in public. Or when we met friends. Or when we tried to put her in tiny, clean, matching little clothes.  But I’d see just a little smirk on her face, and then I knew that I was soon going to need a clean shirt myself. She was plotting, I am sure of it.

And when we first brought her home, the 700 cubic feet of diapers we so thoughtfully needed proved to be insufficient. So, yes, I made any number of trips to Target, where I would stand in line with other parents all of whom had full carts of diapers and cleaning supplies.

I’m willing to bet that no other person that came to your shower, no matter how many kids they have, told you what I just did right here.  Call me the Diaper Genie, but you’ll soon find out that I’m right.

And to be sure it’s sssoooooooooo totally worth it. The first few years seem like a blur to me now. I learned to love that chaos – it goes with the territory. The thing is this – they grow out of it and learn to love you back. What you’ll come away with it all the moments that go along with it – smiling, laughing, crying, sitting, standing, walking, driving your car into a tree – you know, the good stuff.

Being a parent is a hero’s task, to be sure. You’re up for it, I know.

Enjoy every moment with your bundle of joy.

And to all – Happy Mother’s Day.