I’m sure you’ve all heard of various studies on the news – Where’s the best city to live in (LarryLand, of course), where’s the safest city to live in (LarryLand again), where’s the best place to raise a kid (Boy, I’d better move to LarryLand soon). 

How these things are determined are really a random combination of random statistics looked up by Siri using some sort of unmonitored AI. Of course you realize that means that the Siri-the-Terminator is actively trying to get us to sell our homes and move to LarryLand, where she’ll then try to drive you off a cliff. Face it, in this day and age, this is the most convincing conspiracy theory that you’ve heard.

Anyway, Siri searches things like:

• Is the place named after a guy named Larry? (of course – who else would you name it after?)
• Does the city have palm trees? (yes)
• Did he successfully raise a kid?  (no – his wife did).

If any of the answers are “yes” it rises to the top of the heap and gets onto the evening news.

Not to be outdone, the research committee of LarryLand (which is me riding in the front seat of my wife’s car; she stopped requiring me to ride in a carseat in the back a few years ago) conducted an exhaustive survey (really, typing this stuff out is tiring) and will provide you the answer you’ve all been seeking to the age-old question what is the most dangerous drive in LA?  State Farm –  pay attention (or not – I still want my policy).

The answer is:  The 5 Freeway in Commerce California, between the 605 and 101 freeways.

The data is completely scientific and will be fully explained herein (I have to justify my college degrees after all). We surveyed this freeway for the number of billboards advertising personal injury attorneys, and this particular stretch of freeway has the highest number per capita stuck in traffic on the roadway.  Given that this is in Los Angeles, that’s saying something. 

To be clear, we did NOT count the number of billboards – that exhausting thing still applies. Rather than try to inundate you with complex mathematics that only a statistics degree would provide (and thus preserve the mystery of my actuarial mind), we’ll simply walk through some of the billboards that you might encounter.

See he’s such a nice guy that he asks you all sorts of questions to make sure that you’d be best represented by his firm such as:

• Were you injured? 
• Do you drive a car?
• Is your name Jim?

If any of these are yes, then this guy’s on the case. He’ll drive his immediately from his house in Newport Beach to somewhere near you (but not down the 5 – it freaks him out). Jim will sweet-talk you and then go after the other guy with the ferocity of a sex-crazed rhinoceros. (I’m not sure there are other types of rhinoceroses, but he’d represent them too.)

In all fairness, this firm is definitely courting the large Latino population that lives in El-Lay (sound that out…. hmmm… ooooooh I get it.) That’s probably a good thing, and is certainly appropriate.

But you gotta admit that this picture, which is used on everything including the website looks like a guy who just had a bunch of botox and is trying his absolute best to smile, and failing.

So, driving (if that’s what you call it) down the 5 freeway at one point I saw not one, not Two, but THREE of these billboards spanning both sides of the freeway, one on top of the other. Sorry, but having the huge face of this fellow staring down at me on all sides is freaking me out. I’m absolutely convinced that his eyes are following me, talking Siri into getting me into a crash.

I can imagine the conversation that I might have if I call all 7 of their numbers (which is paying off 7:1 in the Commerce Casino):

Them:  “Accidentes! ¿Cómo puedo ayudarle?

Me:  “Hi, I’ve been in an accident and I need your help.”

Them: “¿Hablas español?”

Me:  “No, I don’t speak Spanish. But you see, the thing is I was on the 5 in Commerce and got in an accident and…..”

Them:  “Listen, dude. I think you called the wrong firm. We’re the ‘Accidentes’ firm here. I think you need to call that Jim guy.”

Click.

I found out that the conversation I was hallucinating about having was not with Mr. Dominguez, the founding partner, but the other founding partner – Larry L. According to his profile, “His interest in Latin-American culture is helping him develop his Spanish skills.”  (True point – my gig tutoring would be so much better if I knew more Spanish – Cred to the guy for trying. I did the above by quoting off Google, and – really – I’m worried that Siri got it wrong just to embarrass me. So much for my lack of AI.)

And get this – his email address actually starts with LarryL – ooooohhhhhhhhhhhh….. so close. We Larry’s do have to stay together.

OK, so Sweet James is busy, the Accidentes guys said no – what should you do?

Our research labs found quite a bit of interesting stuff on this firm. For example, you’d think that there are at least 2 Morgans in this firm. You would be wrong.  John Morgan is the founder and the firm names his wife. Yep, you’re seeing double.

But, what got me is that I never see these billboards around anymore. According to Wikipedia, Morgan fired half his marketing department (meaning the other Morgan?) when he realized that he was making (and I am quoting this here), an “inappropriate dick joke.”  Those Wikipedia folks have too much time on their hands, is what I say.

Oooooopppppssss – It appears that Mr. Morgan made an Accidente.

So how does one make up for this mistake?  How does he show he’s an everyman that is  “for the people” – by using photoshop of course.  He is:

• Dressing in an expensive suit looking serious.
• Hanging by a poolside, spending your money.
• Driving a Harley (down the 5 in Commerce – is he CRAZY?) while wearing expensive motorcycle leather.
• Playing Santa Claus – because giving away stuff is what you do for people suffering debilitating injuries.

I think it’s time he fires the other half of his marketing staff. Just saying.

So, we’ve now covered the top 3 guys, as measured scientifically by the number of billboards they possess.  But are there others?

Why, of course there are.  Some of the other players:

Super Woman, Super Lawyer:  Apparently, she decided to help those in need. And those people are Marvel Super Heros. “Hulk, did you smash again?”

Larry H. Parker: First, we have to take note of yet another Larry in the mix.  I’m thinking I went into the wrong profession. That said, Mr. Parker is taking on Zombies:  even though he has passed, he will “Fight for You”. Mr. Parker – rest in peace. Really, I mean that.

Kroger Law Firm:  Apparently they only cover shopping cart accidents in supermarkets. Like they haven’t heard that one before…..

So, we can tell that lawyers are faring well.  But there’s another aspect that deserves mention. Any well-established industry always spawns a related offshoot industry.  Scientifically, the sample size is too small to make an accurate scientific observation, but that won’t stop us at LarryLand for trying. We owe it to you to “Fight For the People” (a perfect slogan if Larry and Morgan merge, preferably onto an offramp) to provide you the best information that we can think up in our spare time.

Example Numero Uno – Auto insurance. 

Example 2:  Inappropriate Lawyer Jokes. 

But this guy goes “Beyond the Meat” to find the Impossible Burger of it all. (get it?)

It turns out that these people are bad actors (and in Hollywood of all places – what are the odds? Oh, wait, I think I need another survey.) These people give lawyers a bad name, and that’s pretty hard to do.

So what should we do?

Well, the best offense is a good defense.  I say we simply stay away from the 5 freeway in Commerce.  If not, then I suggest you buckle up.

Meet Fred Friendly:

Fred plays it safe. After all, he doesn’t want to die, does he?????