New York City.

Which is good, because we brought a little of California with us – NY is having a drought, wildfires and even an earthquake. No joke – it was a 1.9, which locally to us isn’t even worth mentioning but which made headlines on the news in the big Apple.

Since my time in the city, back when dinosaurs roamed the earth and the NY city subways were a disaster zone (like today, but they have internet), I have always said this about going back: “It takes me 10 minutes to remember what the city is like, and 10 minutes to remember what the city is like.”

Which cannot explain the length of this story. I’m still editing this, and even I can’t believe how long it is. Nor do I care, apparently. The way I figure it, it will take quite a bit to really explore this city, and you’re simply along for the ride.

You see, whenever I enter the city, I found myself quickly re-adapting to the mannerisms needed to survive an urban jungle – don’t look anyone in the eye, cabbies will try to kill you for sport, that sort of thing. But the city has come a long, Long, LONGGGGG way to reinventing itself. I no longer feel like I am a resident there or get the flow of the city. I am (gasp!) a tourist now.

We’re back in the city to visit our now adult daughter. She now qualifies as an adult because she’s saddled with debt, working too hard and having to commute. But on the good side, she and I can sit around talking about our shared knowledge of places we like (Hernshead) and places we don’t (Times Square), even as we go to both. My wife is trying to change the subject (and who can blame her).

I was thinking about this on the first day, when we were having a nice breakfast with a friend and colleague Jennifer. We were in a very nice place in the Upper West Side called Nice-Matin (or maybe it was Nice Martin, I am no longer sure; whatever the case they put the nice in Nice and maybe a guy named Martin works there). She and I were talking about our collective history in the city and how its changed; my poor wife was still trying to change the subject (and, again, who can blame her).

But we had a nice meal. I think it was Branzino, even though it was still breakfast. We get little of this fish at home, but it is literally on every menu – every single one – in NYC. I’m pretty sure that, after my visit to the city, Branzino is now being put on the endangered species list.

I always say that the two things I miss about NYC are the subways and Central Park (for more on transportation options within the city, please see I’m a NY City Transit Authority). I think about this as we descend into the labyrinth that are the tunnels beneath Columbus Circle (and to end all confusion – yes, there is a Minotaur there, or at least a really large rat). In it, I spy a sign that says that NY wants to prevent human trafficking; no, we’re not talking about that type of trafficking (which is bad), but something much worse – the NYC subway at rush hour.

But what is different about the subway is this – the iPhone. In the 80’s, you randomly went down into some station, purchased a token from a surly NY transit employee, and hung out on a platform not sure if or when a train would come.

But thanks to modern technology, you can find out all kinds of useful information about your train. For example, say I’m taking a relatively short trip of 10-100 miles (what we locals in LA refer to as a “10 minute drive”). Well, thanks to my phone, I can now do a “pro-con” analysis of how to get from Point A to somewhere near Point B:

Method	Time	Pros	Cons
Walk	20 Minutes	Cheap	You may get run over by cabs or delivery e-bikes
Subway	20 Minutes	Convenient	You have to dodge street performers
Taxi	20 minutes plus traffic 2 hours minimum	Costliest	Are You Insane?? You are taking your life and the lives of innocent pedestrians into your hands

I know, I know, it seems like I have it out for the fine taxi drivers (which I do, but that is entirely besides the point). To give you an idea of how bad surface traffic is in the city all you need to understand is that President Elect Trump is now directing traffic, in the middle of 5th Avenue in front of Trump Tower. During Rush Hour. For Free.

Yes, this is the kind of thing that makes walking around the Big Apple so much fun, for at least 7-10 miles each day. And even though our trip began BEFORE Thanksgiving, you’d never know by the Christmas displays that are going up.

To give you an idea of the NYC Spirit of the holidays, consider this, which I take full responsibility for. After visiting the scaffolding, er, tree, we went into the J Crew store at the Rock, to look for a gift. They’re blasting out the holiday tunes; when we got to the counter, I earnestly looked at the clerk and said to him that he should talk to Mr. Crew and ask him to play Thanksgiving songs. The baleful look I received was followed by “We’ve been listening to this since Halloween.” You know what they say about Halloween now – ‘Tis the season…..”

Only the tourists remain. And we found the most fashionable ones in Soho. You may ask “How did you know that Soho is so fashionable?” It’s easy – all fashionable districts can be found by having cobblestone streets that are being patrolled by fashionable people in very high stiletto heels designed to fit between the cracks in the street. Personal Injury Lawyers take out billboards on the streets of Soho, in the same way that folks in LA do along freeways (To understand LA Freeways please see The Most Dangerous Freeway in America).

Which brings me to Morgan, the other half of the personal injury firm Morgan and Morgan. He’s so fashionable he’s wearing an outfit that I can only describe as an accident. I get to observe him from the Dad bench (more on that in a minute, assuming I stay on track, which NEVER happens, so you’ll just have to be patient.) Imagine a matching tie-die track suit. The base color is neon yellow. So far, so good – only a very fashionable person can wear their pajamas in public. BUT… There are bright blue and red circles dyed strategically on these garments. Two are located on the top, one on the bottom pants (both front and back). As this is a family friendly blog, I will leave it to your imagination as to the placement of these patterns on his outfit….. yep, right there. Trust me – I will never, not in a million years, be as fashionable as this fellow (except possibly in 1990 when I had the MC Hammer-type pants in bright blue. Yes, I am ashamed, and Yes, there are probably photographs.)

Which brings me to this interesting “First” in my life – This is the first time I have ever been “Black Friday” shopping. Really – I have studiously avoided it my entire life. But we’re looking to get our journalist daughter (who’s salary constitutes a crime in most third-world nations) some things for winter, so going into the Macy’s on 34th street seemed like a good idea.

I am first texted by my kid to find her and Mom in the Beauty Section (which both my daughter and wife are – regardless of where they are in the store.) One universal truth – If you’re a guy hanging around the beauty section, they’re going to call Peter the Guard on you. So, you always find the Dad Bench.

What is the Dad Bench you say? It’s a bench conveniently placed in a conspicuous place where all the Dad’s sit. In this case, right next to the escalators, the other shoppers can spill their Starbucks on their head. There’s a whole line of down-and-out Dads completely filling the bench. Their heads are hung low, their faces are tired and drawn, their pockets are empty. I fist-bumped every single one of them. Unity, I say.

Instead of jostling my way on to the bench, I decide to find the Men’s department. Can’t be that hard, right? Just look for the section of Macy’s where there are absolutely no people. But if you have never been to Macy’s, then you do not realize that this store is larger than the entire state of Delaware. Heck, it might be larger than the Continental United States, but I haven’t tried to measure.

So, I go traipsing off on my own. The fine folks at SNL know about men shopping in NYC, and I thought this was the funniest sketch until I realized it is actually a documentary on the 50,000 undocumented Dad’s wandering around Macy’s looking for a bench. (please see SNL Old Enough Long Term Boyfriends ).

With great assistance, I finally find the Men’s section and there it is – a set of scarves that are at a great “Black Friday” price (ok, it is before Thanksgiving and not a Friday) and I think I’ll actually buy one because it is currently 60 outside. But which one????? Ummmm, I think I need permission from my wife and opinions from my daughter.

Knowing that if I try to leave and find them I will BOTH get lost again and NEVER find these scarves again I decide to ask them to find me. I text my girls that I’m on the first floor, and then proceed to wait as they get on the subway from the other end of the store, search in vain through every department and then finally stumble upon me by complete accident.

I decided that I’d better do something, so I walk up very nonchalantly to Peter the Guard and ask him his name (get this, it IS Peter). Then I explain that I’m waiting for my wife to get permission to buy something (ok, he gets that) and that there’s no Dad Bench handy (he looks around to verify). And I ask him “What Floor are we on?”.

“Mezzanine.” And this is when I realize that….. OOPS I’m not in Kansas Anymore (I think). I told my wife and daughter the first floor. They’re probably there now, wondering if I’ve been carted off by Peter. So, another text goes out, and somehow I can hear Siri sighing and shaking her head at me. Again.

Which brings me to “Dad Bench, the Sequel – it’s not just for Dads Anymore”. After escaping Macy’s (a true Miracle on 34th street), we went to a Thrift Shop down near NYU, my daughter’s favorite store. Cool. I managed to find the Dad Bench. Here’s how: It’s a set of chairs in front of a rack of coats on the main aisle of the floor where a clerk is wheeling a large bin full of clothes back and forth, forcing you to stand up repeatedly. Really.

After a while a nice young man named Ash sat down with me. I tell him it’s a “Dad Bench” expecting him to recoil in fear of what is to come. Nope, Ash tells me it’s the “Boyfriend Bench” and proceeds to sit. We talk a bit – he’s a really nice grad student at NYU.

But when his girlfriend comes up to the bench, she sees us both and is puzzled. I try to explain that we’re on the “Boyfriend Bench”. The look on her face can only be described as “Oh, Boyfriend You are SO going to Get It when we get home”.

And, of course, no trip to NYC is really a trip unless you get to see a Musical. I believe it is a mandated law in NY that you must go to Times Square, must see a Broadway Musical, and must mill about aimlessly having been blinded by the approximately 2.3M lit billboards on every conceivable surface while street entertainers try to pick your pocket (I hear they’re unionized now).

In our case “Elf The Musical”. Generally, I am Scrooge – yes I’ve been in 10,000 Nutcrackers, yes I’ve seen the Christmas Carol for the last 15-20 years, but really I don’t do Christmas. Except that this time my daughter’s friend Austin is in the cast – it’s his big break. So… Off we go, gladly.

Now, the Elf Movie may have Bob Newhart, but the musical goes one better – Larry the Alcoholic Department Store Santa ( I swear on every Silent Holy Night, this is really true- he has his own song and everything.)

But this is where NY really is NY. It takes 10 minutes to remember that this musical, like all other things on this trip, is in New York, where even Santa admits he won’t look you in the eye. It takes a furious pace to visit NY, and there’s always something different to see.

Which was the case. We got to see a kid get his big break on Broadway, and he even appeared on the View. We got to walk through the Harlem Meer and North Woods, for the first time. It was lovely in the late autumn light; fall is truly the best time in NY. We ate twice at a very Nice-Matin restaurant. And we got to do it as a family.

All good things. Happy Holidays to you and your families wherever you are, and enjoy your traditions this season.