Despite the fact that I’ve been in 10 years of Nutcrackers, 20 years of Christmas Carols, have made tamales with my wife’s family and have now spent time putting up Christmas lights, I do NOT celebrate Christmas.

I was raised a nice Jewish boy after all (the nice part is indeed questionable, but Mom says so, so I’ll go with that). And so, no, I do NOT celebrate Christmas. Honestly, I enjoy the quiet of the day; it is a good time for reflection.

And what do I reflect upon this year? Hallmark of course. What better way to celebrate Hanukkah?

You have to give it to the Hallmark people. They figured it out – Christmas is but one day a year, which leaves the other 364 for Christmas movies. Each is a holiday classic, by which I mean they have the same plot, same characters, same actors and same script. It’s a formula, and it apparently works very well.

BUT… Hallmark has often been criticized for a certain lack of diversity. Upon consultation with their lawyers (Webster, Webster and Cohen – we’ll see if trivia buffs get the movie reference) they were advised to do one movie per year that was not about Christmas.

Enter the annual Hanukkah movie. It has the same plot, same characters, same actors and same script as every other Hallmark movie, but with one crucial difference. In other words, it is a Christmas movie, but they mention Hanukkah, and at least one of the characters is Jewish.

And they get it wrong. Every Single Year. And it’s glorious.

Now, having consulted with Webster, Webster and Cohen this year, it has been made clear that I need to put a caveat on this, umm, whatever you call it.

Important Editorial Disclaimer: This year, in order to avoid being deemed “Too Jewish” we are introducing a fair and unbiased measure of accuracy in this, ummm, whatever you call it. We’re calling it the “Mom-O-Meter”. If the LA Times can use Artificial Intelligence, I can use Actual Intelligence. (right Mom?)

Mom does not know this yet. She is the biggest reader of the blog (Thanks, Mom), so I figure we’ll give her a holiday homework assignment.

Yes – there really is such a thing as being “Too Jewish”. Many Jews that I know have used this phrase to provide their disdain for making too much fun of Jewish culture. For example, I took my friend Andy to see Jackie Mason on Broadway back in the 80’s. He hated it and only said that it was “Too Jewish”.

By contrast, no one has ever accused a Hallmark Movie of being “Too Jewish”. Which is why I taped “Hanukkah on the Rocks” this year. My daughter was coming home and in fine shark-movie tradition we were going to yell at the TV screen at the top of our lungs. Yes, this is a real thing we do.

Before we get to the actual movie, there are a few facts you should know.

Fact 1 – Counterprogramming was involved: At the very same time as “Hanukkah on the Rocks” the corresponding “Christmas on the Rocks” movie was airing one channel away. I absolutely kid you not.

Fact 2 – They misspelled Hanukka on the Information Guide. Really. (Ok, a bit of honesty here – no one ever spells Hanukkah correctly.)

I will admit that the Hallmark folks are slowly, very slowly, painfully slowly learning about the actual holiday. Yes, their writers have discovered the internet and are not afraid to use it to search for Yiddish terms that they can insert in random parts of the dialogue.

By way of context, it was in 2020 when they released “Love, Lights, Hanukkah” where the poster shows a couple with a fully lit menorah, but where the penultimate scene is where the guy walks up to a Jewish house festooned with candy canes, Christmas lights and all the other trappings, with a menorah way, waayyy, waaaayyyyy in the back of the house representing Hanukkah.

At least now the actors can throw out random phrases such as “you’ve got a lot of shitz-pah”. Yep, the cast may be given Yiddish words, but that doesn’t mean they can pronounce them. Oooohhh….. so close guys.

OK, so let’s do a status check: Mom-O-Meter for accuracy. Check. Snarky review by Daughter and Dad. Check. Cup of Coffee. Check. We’re ready to go.

First, I think a quick summary of the plot of this movie may be useful:

“Bubbe doesn’t get her candles, but she does get lit”.

(Side note – they also spell it Bubby, which is apparently legit but sounds more like some guy with a truck in Alabama.)

Given that Hanukkah has Eight Days, I will present to you the Eight Hallmarks of 2024:

Hanukkah Hallmark #1. There is no such a thing as a Jewish Dive Bar

The movie is set in Chicago. My mom is from Chicago (hi Mom!) There are lots of Jewish People in Chicago. Like, 300,000 Jewish people (Thanks Siri). They do not all know each other, and they do not all hang out in the same bar.

But for this story, there are 10 Jews, and they all hang out in a “dive bar” in Chicago. Plus, some others (like Bubbe) who don’t hang out there apparently still know everyone in the bar anyway. Add to that the one token gentile that apparently wants to be Jewish, as he apparently knows all the prayers better than I do.

But this is where we set up the plot for Jay (Hallmark Love Interest #1):

• He is a Doctor (radiologist) from Florida. He is, of course, sensitive, handsome, and Jewish.
• He is in Chicago to convince his wise old grandfather Sam to move to Florida.
• Sam does not want to go.

Sam apparently lives in the bar. He is always in the same seat, he proposed to his wife there, every major life event happened there. He is in the bar 24/7, and doesn’t want to go to Florida (which according to Siri has more Jews than Chicago – that tracks, yes?). In Hallmarkland, it’s ok for an old man to spend all his time in a bar; in realityland, we are worried for Sam’s well-being.

My daughter gets credit for this one : She observed that there is no such thing as a dive bar with enough space to play Hanukkah Cornhole inside the bar, and certainly not in a major metropolitan city. Yes, they do that here.

Hanukkah Hallmark #2. Jewish Parents are NOT idiots (right, Mom?)

So, on the other side of the coin we have Tory (Hallmark Love Interest #2). Yes, you know that she will consummate her relationship with Love Interest #1 with a very “dry kiss” at the end of the movie (didn’t know there was such a thing; I’m way behind the dating times here thanks to my wife putting up with me so long.)

Let’s try to summarize plot number 2 – Tory’s relationship with her parents:

• Tory is a Lawyer in Chicago. She is, of course, sensitive, pretty and Jewish. There are no bags under her eyes even though she is about to get laid off from her important corporate lawyer job that she works 24/7.
• Tory visits with her grandmother Bubbe. If Bubbe has an actual name (like every other character) we do not know it. This tracks. Once you’re a Jewish Grandmother, you are always a Jewish Grandmother (Mom-O-Meter check – right, Mom?)

When Tory gets laid off (presumably from Webster, Webster and Cohen), right before Hanukkah (That Mean Mr. Cohen!), she is faced with a major plot point:

1. She has been blowing off her parents and Bubbe for years. For example, she has a weekly breakfast with Bubbe and never eats and then sticks Grandma with the bill. (Mom-O-Meter Check – does that EVER happen?)
2. She is lying to her Latke-Faced Parents and Bubbe about being laid off.
3. To hide her failure as a lawyer, this feat, she starts bartending at Sam’s bar. They’ll never figure this out until the 8th night, when the jig is up.

Jumping ahead a bit in the plot, you’re wondering how she becomes a bartender, right? To fall in love, of course.

• Love Interest #1 (Jay) meets Love Interest #2 (Tory) in a store. They fight over candles. More on that later.
• Love Interest #2 chases Love Interest #1 into Rocky’s Bar to continue the fight, where she meets Sam the Grandpa.
• With no references whatsoever, Sam (who is not the owner to anyone’s knowledge; the staff is pretty uninformed if you ask me) gives her a job making drinks. Apparently Tory is a cocktail savant. She is going to get everyone Shamash-ed (yes this is real – they spend the entire movie making Hanukkah Cocktail pun references, and yes I’m good with that. Mom-O-Meter – would such a daughter do such a thing?)

Hanukkah Hallmark #3: Jews think WAY TOO MUCH about Hanukkah Candles.

First, we have to set things straight. The purpose of Hanukkah Candles is to have extras left over for birthday cakes throughout the year. No one ever manages to light the menorah all 8 nights, leaving plenty left over for the kids birthdays, the parents birthdays, the grandparent’s birthdays and all the kids in the neighborhood’s birthdays. I didn’t know that there was such a thing as a birthday candle until I was 25.

I grew up with Hanukkah Candles. They come in a 2 inch by 3 inch blue box, crammed in so tightly that half of them are broken in the middle. They come in various colors, so that the kids always spend a great deal of time arguing over what the best color pattern is on any given night.

Hallmark does not know this. After all, they sell Birthday Candles. Hallmark executives probably have an unlimited supply of candles at any time they want to sing Happy Birthday to some random employee having cake in the conference room. They have never had to purchase candles from this box.

But they need a plot device or the entire story is about people drinking in a bar during the holidays. You know, Christmas.

SO – separately, both Sam and Bubbe explain with great emphasis that Love Interest #1 and Love Interest #2 must get Cohen Candles. If they don’t the holiday will be absolutely ruined – RUINED, I tell you! (Apparently Cohen has a side-gig from Webster, Webster and Cohen).

Why so special, you ask? Well, if you don’t get Cohen Candles, two things will happen:

1) Your Menorah will have to go to a Menorah Repair Shop. Yep, Sam has his menorah right there at the dive bar (because that’s something you do I suppose), and he has just gotten it out of the menorah repair shop. The best part – the one gentile in the bar actually believes him.

2) You will set off the smoke alarms if you don’t have Cohen Candles. Even in a dive bar the size of the Houston Astrodome, lighting any other brand of Hanukkah candles sets off enough smoke to call the fire department. God only knows what happens if you sing happy birthday. [Mental note – send annual thank you card to Fireman Fred.]

Which doesn’t really matter, because they’re going to burn the bar down anyway. You see, no Hannukah Candle will ever stay put in the tiny little cup they provide. What you do is burn the bottoms and while the wax is hot plunge it into the holder where it will stick so long as there is not a stiff breeze or blaring smoke alarm.

But in this show, the Cohen Candles actually stick in the menorah, which is waved all over the bar without ejecting flaming candles like small missiles to catch flammable stuff (like alcohol) on fire. Now that, my friends is a true Hanukkah miracle.

Getting back to the actual movie plot (what at 2700 or so words you expected me to get to the point?) Tory and Jay go to the only Party Store in all of Chicago where the only remaining box of Cohen Candles in existence is still for sale. Of course, they show up at the same time and have a Hallmark Showdown at the OK Corral, by which I mean Love Interest #1 and Love Interest #2 have a huge fight in black-and-white where they stare at each other quietly while squinting. That’ll teach them a lesson.

So, what actually happens?

• First, they’re willing to pay $15 for a $5 box of birthday candles. Ummm…. No.
• She, being a feminist, gives him the box but for 2 candles for her Bubbe on night 1.
• Since they never locate another box of Cohen Candles, and since Grandma will accept nothing less, she gets to sit in the dark for nights 2-7. One NEVER does that to their mom, (right, Mom?)

Hanukkah Hallmark #4: Like Everyone Else, Jews don’t know all the words to their prayers.

There is a reason that every Jewish Prayer begins “Baruch atah Adonai, eloheinu melech ha-ol-uuummm………

That is because after that point in time, we’re simply mouthing the words trying not to get caught.

This happens to everyone. For example, Dave Grohl wrote a song where he is screaming (as he does on EVERY song) the lyrics “It was a Feast or the Famine”. What I heard: “It was a Piece of the Salmon”. Really, I kid you not; I still hear it that way and it’s ‘close enough’.

But in Hallmarkland, the entire Jewish Population of Chicago (and their token Gentile): 1) Do their prayers in a dive bar; 2) Know all the words; 3) are collectively on key. Also, they sing a different prayer every night for the same holiday. Apparently, the staff at Hallmark thought that singing the same prayer every night is boring, since they don’t know the words.

Hanukkah Hallmark #5: Hallmark Knows its Stereotypes

OK, you DID catch the obvious here, right: She’s a Lawyer and He’s a Doctor? Ummm… Hallmark, you did understand that we may be other professions as well, like “failed blog writer” (not that I know about that). Actually, the gentile in the bar, who wants to date the waitress/gourmet chef (she makes matzo balls on a spoon), becomes a successful writer in the course of 8 days by typing out the next Hallmark Hanukkah movie on cocktail napkins (really, he uses napkins). OK pal – we’re on to you.

Since Love Interest # 1 and #2 are successful professionals, naturally they talk about tax accountants (they’re contracted out from Webster, Webster and Cohen. This Cohen guy is busy). My daughter and I look at each other. I explained to her that if they’re going to use an accountant, it has to be Ira Goldstein. To which she replies: “Of course. I’m mean, you need a guy like Ira Goldstein to do your taxes – he can figure out a way to get your table declared as a dependent on your return.” Yep, we raised her right. (no Mom-O-Meter needed here.)

Hanukkah Hallmark #6: Dreidel is a gambling game

Really. Oh, they’ll tell you that it was “developed” as a way to study the Torah, but absolutely no one believes that, unless you believe the internet in which case I have the Brooklyn Bridge to sell you (only slightly used).

Which apparently Hallmark does. As with the prayers, candles and the rest of the movie, Hallmark feels like they “get it” and they proceed to explain in great detail what they think are the traditions of Hanukkah. This is so Mr. Cohen, their lawyer who has product placement here, will sign off on the script.

They do manage to get it about right. Sam has a secret stash of chocolate gelt (coins in gold foil), which were fought over dramatically when I was a kid, and which we have used as our gambling stake for Dreidel.

And since gambling is illegal (“I’m shocked! Shocked to find gambling in going on in here”) they try to find other games to play, like Cornhole. (Oddly, they only have one, not two, cornhole boards. Apparently, it was 50% off.) They quickly run out of things to do.

Hanukkah Hallmark #7: there is NOT a Hanukkah playlist.

OK – this is the one they absolutely got right. The gentile asks if there is a Hannukah Playlist. There is no such thing.

There is really only one Hanukkah Song, the “Dreidel song”. OK, maybe 2 if you count “Piece of the Salmon” (Lox of luck on that one, Dave). No, you don’t count Adam Sandler’s Hanukkah song – it’s simply a recitation of the Jews that are in Showbiz (and probably own Hallmark; they’re not stupid after all).

But if you search the internet, this is all you will find. Oh, there will be lists of 25 songs, and someone suggested a hearty tune of “Rock of Ages” that is certain to get your foot a-stompin’.

But to be clear – this is a good thing. Think about how sick of Christmas Songs you are by December 25th…… On behalf of all Jewish people in America you’re welcome.

Hanukkah Hallmark #8: Hanukkah Decorations Suck.

There is a scene where they are putting up traditional Hanukkah decorations: A short string of blue and white lights with cheap cardboard dreidels to hang. That is absolutely correct, and always has been.

But this reminded me of my childhood. Yes, we had no real decorations like the Christmas houses around our neighborhood. Yes, my sisters and I complained. Fortunately, my grandfather put together a Jewish Star on a stand. It was about 2-3 feet tall. We put tin foil, a string of lights, and some silver and blue garland around it. It worked.

Hallmark, not willing to settle on such low-budget fair, got their set decorators to find a way to juice it up. Hmmm… maybe this is their way of introducing a whole new line of decorations to sell. Hallmark – I’m on to you.

So, with Christmas-level decorations in hand, you may want to know how things ended up in Hallmarkland:

• On night 8 everyone descends into the dive bar so sing on key one more time, including all of Tory’s Family from Florida and Bubbe. Of course, they all know each other, but no one knows Bubbe’s name. We think Bubbe might be a spy.
• After some tense negotiations (squinting was involved, but at least not in black-and-white), Jay is moving back to Chicago, Sam is not going anywhere, and Bubbe will get breakfast.
• That means that Love Interest #1 and Love Interest #2 will light the menorah (more on that in a minute) in front of their family, and declare their love with a kiss so passionate you just might yawn.
• Sam, meanwhile, confesses that he owns the bar and will give it to them so that Tory can keep making him drinks. We remain worried about Sam’s well-being.

And what of all those Cohen Candles?

• Remember that they gave 2 (and only 2) candles to Bubbe, which means they don’t have enough to fill every slot in the menorah. Unless, of course, like all other Jews you have ones left over from last year that you did not use on birthdays.
• Oh, No, Hanukkah will be Ruined, and what’s worse – they’ll never get to kiss! What will happen to the ratings?????
• Well, it turns out that Sam has an entire box of candles in reserve for “sentimental value” from his deceased wife. The menorah is complete and they can now kiss with the blazing fire that only a Hanukkah candle can provide.
• Which means that Bubbe could have had candles all along, but didn’t. That’s right, Bubbe got Burned. Apparently she’s ok with this outcome (Mom-O-Meter – final check – ….. NO!)
• However, now that Sam admits to his secret stash, they have a leftover box of candles for all of the birthdays to come in the new year. Happy Ending!

It’s fun to sit with my daughter and point out all these things for a laugh, which is why I thought it would be fun to share these things with you. I hope that you chuckled just a bit this holiday season.

Jews like me get to celebrate the holidays, just not in a Christmas way. That’s ok. It is as it should be.

How ever and whatever you celebrate, I hope you get to laugh with your kid.