And that is $400.  Apparently, life really is cheap.

Let me back up just a bit and explain how I came upon this journey of self-realization.

I was out visiting Mom recently.  She was talking about her dog Sophie (rest in peace) and that it cost her $150 to adopt her.  Then she remembered something.  She left the room and came back with this receipt.

Yes, I am worth only $400.

To answer the two questions you may be asking:  Yes, I have always known that I was adopted, and No, I have never wanted to find my birth parents. So, No, I will never know if I was brought here from Norway, or if I was hatched by space aliens and dropped onto planet earth as a science project reject. Either is equally possible.

All that said, I think I’m re-examining my life story (and wondering who will play me in the movie). 

The first thing is something my wife remarked on – “Your mom kept the receipt all these years?  Maybe she’s going to return you.” You see, Mom is not a shopper, she is a returner. So it is entirely plausible that Mom will take me back to LA and demand a full refund. And what is scary is that she will get it.  All that’s fine, but what is really depressing is this – since she doesn’t drive freeways, I’ll have to drive her there. 

You also need to know that my first reaction was – “You paid $150 for the dog, but only $400 for me?” In the context of one’s own insecurities, knowing that your Mom paid as much for a mutt as a pedigree (you can decide which applies to each) is a rude awakening.

You might question this – after all $400 in 1964 dollars is (thanks Siri) about $4,125 today. So, apparently much more than the dog.

But I know my Mom – she got me at a discount.  Here’s a helpful comparison:

	Cost of Me	Automobile Equivalent
Me	$400	2007 Chevy Equinox
New Kid	$40,000-70,000	2025 BMW 3-Series

Really, what $4,000 can get you today is a 2007 Chevy Equinox with 143,000 miles. Or, if you pay full freight as recorded by Car and Driver, a brand-new BMW for between $47K-$63K.  With heated seats and navigation. Which would you want?

Apparently, I’m off the rack. It might be the Nordstrom Rack, but still…. I was 90% off.

But that is not all, my friends.  You’ll note that the date on the receipt is May 1964.  But I was born in October 1962.  And I’ve seen the baby pictures, so I asked Mom “Were the pictures faked?”. Nope.  Turns out I was on an installment plan.

The May 1964 payment of $25 was the last payment; I was, and I quote, “Paid in Full”. Really, it says that right on the receipt.  Mom tried to suggest that this was because Child Services made routine visits to my parents to be sure they were as advertised. As if that makes me feel better – Child Services is on the payroll.

And then it occurred to me. In May 1964, my mother was about 3 months pregnant with my sister. My parents had a decision to make: Pay the $25 and keep me or just trade me in for my sister.  It’s like the old game show Let’s Make A Deal (which my parents were on making me even more suspicious) – “Do you want the $25 now, or what’s behind Doooooor Nuuumbeeer TWOooooooo?”

So, I wonder what would have happened if they hadn’t paid up? Yes, it’s entirely possible that I could have been re-possessed. What is particularly ironic here is that my father (miss you Pop) owned a credit collection business. He may have been the one to re-possess me and make a fee in the process (say $400).

So, Yes, I am beginning to challenge my very existence. But not my parents. Being adopted, and knowing it, makes you realize that family is not borne by blood or by God – it is about companionship. As I learned from the movie Country Bears: “The people that love you no matter what? That’s family”.  [Oddly, this affirmation about adoption is made by a bear, and, yes, it IS all about the Country Bears]

As for my daughter: Don’t get any ideas……