I saw a bumper sticker that read “I’m Taking the Long Way – Siri gave me directions”.

How true. Despite my continuing conspiracy theory about how Siri is trying to kill us, I had time to ponder this on my way to the desert to see Mom. Little did I know that I’d be gaining valuable traffic insights on this trip.

No, not from my mom. From her homeowner’s association. The reason that I went that day was to attend the monthly HOA meeting with Mom. You see, she lives in one of those gargantuan city-state complexes in the desert, with golf courses, tennis courts, and, most importantly, pickle ball. 

Whatever you say, understand this – DO NOT TAKE ON PICKLE BALLERS.  These seniors are the scariest, cult-like people on the planet – They are ruthless, they are organized, and they will stop at nothing to protect their rights to whack at balls with sticks (which, if you think about it, is what all sports are except football; hence the NFL. Not even a 350 pound lineman would tackle a pickle-baller). 

I went to one HOA meeting where it seemed like 1,000 people attended in matching pickle-ball protest t-shirts. Apparently, there would be some sort of “rule change” affecting their game. They instantly organized into a vicious mob of octogenarians. They marched to the meeting together; poodles were scared. Sensing the rebellion, the HOA board instantly tabled the discussion.  Of course, the 3,000 ballers could stay for other valuable HOA information. Nah, they all left immediately.

But I digress (tomorrow is Thanksgiving – I will digest instead). Someone, other than Siri, needs to direct the traffic in my mind so I can actually write one of these in some sort of understandable form.

Fortunately, the HOA can help us there too.

You see, one of the things that has to happen during the meeting is for the very nice head of security to talk about the goings-on in the complex. Kirk’s a very lovely Irishman, and it seems like he’s doing a nice job for the residents. Today’s discussion was traffic around the complex. But, with apologies to the Beatles, it was a long and winding road.

I learned two important lessons here.

Lesson #1:  Lumps, Humps and Bumps are for the Red-Light District.

So, there was a proposal to put in traffic bumps to slow traffic. Not from cars –  from golf-carts.

Really –these retirees had insurance and apparently nothing to lose. So, Kirk wants not only to install some sort of traffic barrier, but also needs to install additional boulders and landscaping around these barriers so that the drivers won’t simply go around them (the barriers, not the flowers; those are toast).

Kirk forgot one thing – Depending on what type of ramp he chooses, they simply might go airborne.  I imagine one of the residents decked out as Evel Knieval trying to jump over 10 medical transport vans lined up in the street. And making it.

Fortunately, the fellow seated behind me was a former city traffic director and implicitly understood this important point in my imagination.  He asked the simple question:  “What are we talking about here – lumps, humps or bumps?”  Apparently, not all traffic humps are created equal.

So, you can imagine the next 15 minutes discussion where the board repeatedly use the phrase “Lumps, Humps and Bumps”, querying poor Kirk about his life-choices.  They drove him around in circles – the fellow simply wasn’t prepared for a cost/benefit analysis of Lumps, Humps and Bumps.

I say they put in traffic circles. As my wife will attest, no one know how to circumnavigate these, including Siri.

Lesson #2:  The Second Amendment to the U.S. Constitution guarantees you a right to Barrier Arms.

To understand this a bit better, the complex is so large that it actually spans a major street. This requires not one, but two sets of guard-shacks and other associated entrances all with transponders that lift gate arms. Per Kirk, who is still trying to get over the traffic hump in the prior discussion, needs to inform the HOA board that they need to be replaced.

Provided you don’t simply drive through them. Which some residents do on purpose.

Apparently, the arms on these are made of the same material as rain gutters.  Yes, this conversation is going into the gutter. Kirk is explaining how these are cheap, but a bit flimsy – the arms go up and the desert wind blows them off.  (Side point – all desert complexes are required under federal law to be named something like “Desert Breeze” or “Windy Palms”.  Nowhere will you find a complex named “Raging Sandstorm” or “Blown Away Barrier Arms”.)

So, the debate becomes what type of barrier arms to use. Keep using cheap lightweight gutters?  Purchase rigid arms with LED Lights? Guard the entrances with Panzer Tanks? (The HOA can purchase these at the General Patton Memorial Museum up the road.)

I’m quite certain they’ll figure this out – the path to glory is never straight. As for me – I’m taking the long way home – Siri has me going around in circles.