When Larry (3^rd person – wow I’m sounding more important by the day) decides to leave 16 Palms (what my wife derisively calls LarryLand) where would he go?  The land of the Palmettos, of course. 

We’re in North Myrtle Beach in South Carolina, whose claim to fame is “Who’s Shagging Vanna White?”. OK – get your mind out of the gutter (geez). The Shag is the state dance of South Carolina and Vanna White was born and raised there. It says so right on the “Welcome to North Myrtle Beach – Hometown of Vanna White” as you enter the city.

North Myrtle is not the same as Myrtle, but it is still very much a tourist destination. And if you’re over the age of 62.5 years old, you too may want to go there.  It may be same in Myrtle Beach Proper, but we weren’t allowed there since I have never been described as “proper”. But you already knew that.

Regardless, if you were to visit, you might invest $50 in one of those helpful travel guides that tell where the most expensive restaurants are for tourists to go, where the most expensive resorts are for tourists to stay at, where the most expensive shopping malls are for tourists to buy their Myrtle Beach T-shirts at, where the most expensive sightseeing destinations are that all tourists are going to… you know, tourist stuff.

But here at LarryLand, we want to simplify that for you all, by providing this helpful travel guide for the places that are “off the beaten track”, meaning places that will allow me to enter and will tolerate my existence. I will not be beaten, or as it turns out, eaten.

For example, what travel guide helps you find a busy traffic corner that plays Bruno Mars’ song Uptown Funk so that you can get both down and funky? [Conway, where applause was provided by passing motorists. Yes, I did that, and it wasn’t the first time. That honor belongs to the Wegmans supermarket in Fredericksburg, Virginia.] 

So, you can see the types of useful info that we will provide you with to help plan your trip. Buckle up, this’ll be a long, long, loooonnnnggggg ride.

We have put this into an easy Q&A format for your ease of reference. That is the questions are easy; the answers, well, not so much.

Can you provide background on the town of North Myrtle Beach?

Of course we can. That’s what you pay us for (and not very well, I will tell you that).  But as most of you are not sophisticated statisticians like we are, we will put the town into perspective by comparison to someone you can relate to; That person is local hero Vanna White:

• The town is North of Myrtle Beach was “created” by combining 4 local cities in 1968. Vanna White was created in 1957. As we are a family blog we will not detail how she was created. The Shag may have been involved.
• The median age is 62.5 years, with 43% of the population over age 65.  Vanna White is 69 and looks fabulous.
• The median income for a family is $46,052.  Vanna White makes approximately $10M each year on Wheel of Fortune. Fortunately, she was recently married (congrats to Vanna) and we’re pretty sure she can afford the extra person in her household.  We hope that she can retire soon and collect Social Security.
• North Myrtle Beach has a public library.  Vanna authored a book on Afghan blankets which is currently on display at the North Myrtle Beach historical museum (yes, we saw it).

I’m from Iowa and I hear that North Myrtle Beach is a beach town, right? Where can I go shopping for a bikini?

Yes, you are correct, North Myrtle Beach is, get this, located at a beach. We can understand that you may wish to purchase beachwear, beach chairs, beach towels, and beach toys.

I estimate that there are 15,432 beachwear shops located between Myrtle Beach and North Myrtle beach, based on the scientific method that I counted to 12 (10 fingers and 2 feet) in the first 2 minutes of our drive and then imputed the rest over the 15 or so miles to our residence. In other words, like all data scientists and ChatGPT, I made it up.

But really, there are a huge number of these stores with names like Pacific (on the Atlantic. Siri accurately says there is at least 1 of these, and then shows a bunch on the map), or Eagles (something like 30 stores) because nothing says “a day at the beach” like having an eagle swoop down and attempt to snatch your little dog Toto (properly attired, of course). 

Mind you, these are not your normal little beachwear stores run in a shack by a guy named “dude”.  These are gargantuan stores with faux Greek columns, bright lights and Sharks, as you can see in the attached pictures:

Therefore, you would assume the selection is staggering – why you can get a North Myrtle Beach T-shirt in red from one store, yellow from another store, or maybe both in a 3^rd store.  And you can get that fridge magnet with a shark, or that gag gift coffee mug or…   In any case, we suggest you hurry RIGHT NOW because with an estimated T-shirt inventory of 12 Billion North Myrtle Beach shirts they just might run out.

Once you get that bikini for Grandma, you might want to visit other stores geared to tourists. Here are 2 ideas:

Shopping Tip #1 – Fireworks stores: Yes, every day is Independence Day here in the South (from which war, we will let you decide). So now is the time to “Go BoGo”. One store, conveniently located next to a Comedy Club (I kid you not) actually had – permanently painted on its exterior – a sign to buy 1 M-80 and get 2 free.  Mind you, I looked this up and an M-80 is illegal in the United States. Fortunately, we are in the South, where you are only reminded not to conceal your firearm in the local international airport.

Shopping Tip #2 – Trump Superstores: I think we can all agree that Trump has “Raised the Steaks” when it comes to marketing a presidency.  But there are several of these stores inside North Myrtle Beach so that you can really show your patriotism to this country.  And what’s best is that these are conveniently located in other stores such as:

1. A Kite Store:  Yes, you too can tell our elected officials to “go fly a kite”.  I’m shocked that this has not worked its way into Trump’s repertoire. Like, “Tell Iran we have ‘all the cards’. They can go ‘fly a kite’.”
2. A Fireworks Store: Really.  I am not making this up.  Yes, you too can buy both your M-80’s and a presidential pardon – One Stop Shopping. No wonder Mrs. Finster’s cat is so afraid.

I like to visit cities with a variety of food options. What options do I have?

Great question. Wish I thought of it myself (wait, I did?).  Also, a little-known fact that I just made up:  South Carolina is called the “low country” because after eating a few meals there you are decidedly lower to the ground.

North Myrtle Beach offers a wide variety of eating options for all who live there and visit. Fortunately, the town has organized your meals into two easy categories.

Category 1: Pancakes – After you buy that speedo from Myrtle at the Bargain Swimsuit store, you very clearly want to go and eat a large stack of buttery fried cakes covered in sugary syrup.  Fortunately for you, pancake houses are conveniently located at locations before, after, and probably during your visit to the many beachwear stores. I kid you not – our mornings on this trip were at first dominated by my wife’s insistence eat pancakes for breakfast, and, get this, she doesn’t really ever eat pancakes!

Category 2: All You Can Eat Seafood Buffets – There are many choices here – you can eat at a “Calabash” seafood house that is either owned by a pirate (such as Captain George’s Seafood) or a large crustacean (such as Crabby George’s seafood). Really.  These both exist.

The nice thing is that, for a single price, you can George yourself on all-you-can-eat portions of fried seafood to go with your fried cakes from the morning. I cannot speak for you, but nothing gives me that “get up and go” feeling (decide for yourself what I mean by this) like eating huge portions of heavy fried food.

What makes these places so appetizing is that they are often festooned by large images that make you want to, er, eat.  I cannot speak for you, but in my seafood choices it is important to know that, as I pull into the restaurant, it is from a friendly smiling pirate or a very large red crustacean.

For example, there was a restaurant we passed many times. In the front was a minivan – you know the type of van like a Chrysler Pacifica that a family of tourists and their very small children travel in – parked right up against the street. It was apparently being attacked by a very large crustacean-like object that sort-of looked like a large crawfish. This bright-red relative of a cockroach was draped over the top of the van, leaning over the sides and windows as if to somehow provide the vision that it was having an all-you-can-eat tourist buffet.

I’m from Minnesota and I like to hike on my trips and see the local wildlife. Where can I see wildlife?

As a Minnesotan, you know that Minnesota is famed for its 10,000 lakes.  So, you’ll be right at home in Myrtle Beach with its 20,000 wildlife-infested bogs, marshes and swamps.

All you need to do is hike one of the many trails that lead into the marsh until you find yourself knee deep in alligators, venomous snakes and biting insects.

Which is why every lake, stream, marsh, pond, puddle and swimming pool has a sign that says “No swimming. Dangerous water with alligators, venomous snakes and biting insects. Do not feed wildlife.”

Which in turn meant that I had to go look into every lake, stream, marsh, pond, puddle and swimming pool for alligators. Really.  My wife and friends were constantly having to yell at me to “stay away from that” (whatever that was), as I wandered off like a curious two-year-old bent on becoming an alligator’s breakfast (after pancakes of course).

By way of explanation, this was at a really fabulous place called BrookGreen. It is a sculpture garden filled with really beautiful Greek statues and has a zoo, because when you think of Greek statues you imagine them being eaten by wild creatures.

Of course, the zoo has to have an alligator preserve. That’s important, because it answered my most important question – what in fact to alligators eat? See for yourself.

Yep, I have nothing to worry about. We are not so sure about Art. No one has seen him in a while.

I’m a corporate executive and therefore every place I go must have fabulous golf. Does North Myrtle Beach have golf courses?

Well, of course it does, provided that your taste in golf involves windmills.  You see, next to every beachwear house, pancake house and seafood house is a mini-golf course.  I’m sure there’s regular golf too but let’s face it – I’d much rather see President Trump visit his superstore and then go to “Dino Mini-Golf”.

There are so many courses that I lost count (after 12).  So I asked Siri – her response was that there are “between 30-50 mini golf courses”.  Yes, billions of dollars and huge amounts of power used and, get this, Siri guessed.  Proof that AI is becoming more human every day.

With that in mind, we chose the most fabulous mini-golf course in all of North Myrtle Beach based on these criteria:

1. It has comical dinosaurs
2. It is closest to our house
3. It is across the street from a Waffle House (for pancakes, of course).

We proceeded to golf above, below and through various Dinosaurs from the StuccoCene era. Keeping score was optional – we’ll leave that to Siri.  I think she said we were between 30 and 50 shots. Maybe she was drinking Jaegermeister with her buddy Alexa the night before. We’ll never know.

One thing that I noticed – There were NO alligator signs to warn us to not wade in the inviting cerulean blue waters. None. Nada. Zilch.  Being the inquisitive guy that I am, I looked around and saw no zookeepers either to feed (to) them. Hmm…

But what I did see is the natural predator of the alligator:  Killer Karp.  You see, these Ginormous Goldfish are so scary even alligators 15 times their size won’t dare invade their space.  These Fearsome Fish follow visitors all around the course.  If you pause at a bridge the entire school will rush over in a feeding frenzy worthy of shark week gaping up at you as if to say – come wade in here, you Tasty Tourist, you Suburban Snack – we’re waiting for you.

So, there you have it. Everything you need to know in order to successfully visit North Myrtle Beach, unless your goal was culture, entertainment or family friendly destinations that do not involve being eaten by alligators or goldfish.

It was a great trip with great friends. We were lucky to be with them and to visit the South. Besides which, all the locals were very accepting of my behavior – they kept saying “Bless Your Heart” wherever I went.

Safe Travel’s, y’all.