[Editor’s Note: The following is an exact transcription of my Father’s Day letter for this year. I still laugh my butt off every time I read this tome to Star Wars, given that my daughter lives far, far away. And, yes, feel free to suggest that she should be writing the posts for this site and not me. She is much better at it, I say with some measure of parental pride (and fear).]

Dear Dad,

There is a great disturbance in the Force and in the card aisle – namely, that there are so many Star Wars cards for Father’s Day. For those of us hoping to show our dads we love them, our only options seem to be asking you for money, implying you suffer from IBS, or comparing you to the galaxy’s worst parental role models.

If I choose a Darth Vader card, I compare you to either a) Space Himmler or b) Hayden Christensen whining about sand. I run into similar issues with the C-3PO card, as he was built by Vader. And I definitely can’t go with Han Solo, a card that not only implies you are an absent father but that I will one day stab you to death with a laser sword. Nothing says “I love you, Dad” like threats of patricide!  Also, do you really want me to be Ky-Low-Rent?

It seems my best bet is going with the franchise’s least bad absent father, Chewbacca. Sure, in a franchise spanning three generations we’ve only seen him go home to his wife and child exactly once in a holiday special George Lucas tried his hardest to destroy (and that guy made Jar Jar). However, Chewie is at least setting a better example for his son than his own father, who chooses to spend Space Christmas watching VR porn in the living room.

Oh God, does this make me LUMPY?!?! Maybe I should have gotten Han Solo after all…

Love You!